I have received several advice request from some of my readers, so I decided to share my wisdome with all my fans (yeah…all 3 of you!)
Dear Chica Fab
My daughter is going away to college and I am not sure what I am going to do with myself when she leaves. I can feel the ‘Empty Nest Syndrom’ coming on and she hasn’t even left yet. My question is, can I make her call me everyday (several times a day) while she is away at school and how can I MAKE her do that?
Empty Nester
Dear Empty Nester
I feel your pain because I am in the same boat. However, as a parent you must allow them to make their own decisions. For example, I told my niece that she needs to call me everyday when she goes away to college. When she asked if it was ‘mandatory’, my answer was YES. Not calling would suggest she no longer needs her phone (with unlimited texting) and I would suspend her line. So you see dear reader…..I left it up to her to make the decision. Good luck!
Dear Chica Fab
I went on a double date to the drive in movies with this guy I work with . He seemed very nice and as th evening progressed he was a total gentleman. When he brought out a joint…he offered some to me first (how sweet is that!). I said ‘No Thank You’, but only because I didn’t want him to now I didn’t know how to smoke. Fast forward a few days later when I asked him to go to prom with me and he said ‘No Thank You”. He said he liked me but I was too young. 4 months later he married the general accounting lady who was 5 years older than him and 50 lbs heavier than me. I don’t really like him, but I still feel hurt by his denial to attend prom with me. What can I do to make myself feel better?
Hurt and Betrayed
Dear Hurt and Betrayed
I suggest you plan your life so that when he comes into the collection agency you work for (while you go to college), with his three crying kids, you can be the one to accept the $10 check he wrote against his $10,000 debt. Good Luck!
Dear Chica Fab
My best friend is going out with a really nice guy and she wants me to double date with one of his friends, but when we did, he totally ignored me and didn’t even bother to remember my name at the end of the night. What did I do wrong?
Confused!
Dear Confused,
You did nothing wrong. If someone does not like you for who you are, then move on girl. However, I suggest you plan your life so that when he walks into the health department you work for, it’s YOU he has to ask where the STD clinic is being held that day. He may not remember you (since he didn’t even bother on the date), but believe me….you will feel less confused.
Note: The above advice was taken from personal experience…sad, but true.
Well readers, if you have any burning questions you want my advice on, I am more than happy to draw from the 'Shakespeareon Comedy' that is my life to give you my wisdom (not that I am old or anything!)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Oh No!…Not THIS Monday Lady!!
One of my biggest pet peeves (besides people who wear their pajamas to the store or people who say ‘LIBARY’ instead of ‘LIBRARY’….don’t look at me like that….you know you don‘t like it either!), is poor customer service. Good customer service is one of the pillars for a great business. In these times of fiscal insecurity, if you couple low prices with great customer service …you could probably sell a knock-off Prada to a Kardashian.
Which leads me to my current story about my almost ‘take down’ moment at our local Fresh and Easy supermarket. Today as I took my basket and started in the fresh produce isle and worked my way to the 50% off section I came across and employee that was marking down some items. I was polite and tried not to get in her way, but I made the mistake of actually wanting to shop.
Let me set the scene for you. As I was looking at a very nice wrapped sandwich for $1.50 with an expiration date of 7/19/10 …..the following ensued.
Me: “Excuse me. what’s the date today?’
Her: “I’m trying to mark some items down and I need to get this done. If you insist on getting in the way I am going to have to close this section off.“
Me: Getting slightly annoyed, but everyone has a right to have a bad day. “Sure, I just want to get these sun dried tomatoes and I am out of your way.”
Her: “I am going to be marking those down even more, if you let me get my work done.”
Me: “Do you mind checking these and marking them down so I can get out of your way?”
Her: Exasperated at me…”No, I haven’t gotten to those yet and if you don’t move I am going to close this section off.”
Me: Not feeling so nice anymore…but trying to keep a pure heart. “You need to calm down and stop stressing out. “..said as I walked away.
Her: “I am not stressing out.”
Me: “Yes, you are and you need to calm down…” (Walking away before I ‘mark her down’…and possibly get arrested. I can’t get arrested without my best friend….that is on her bucket list, not mine)
So, I finish my shopping and walked to the cash registers…where I see her in the middle of an employee huddle. When I walked by I hear her whisper to her employees “I wanted to slap that lady”…..OH NO YOU DIDN‘T!! Not today…..not THIS Monday Lady!!
I usually don’t like confrontations and I am very bad at telling people what they need to hear. Don’t get me wrong, I am brilliant when it comes to telling people off ½ hr later when I have thought of really good stuff I should have said, but when I am in the ‘moment’ I am so mad I start to tear up…..yeah, I know!!
But not today! Today I turned around and looked straight at her and asked her (in front of her staff…can you believe she was a supervisor? WTF!!) “Did you just say you wanted to slap me?“. I must have looked pissed because she changed her voice immediately to ‘super friendly’ and said “No, not you. I was talking about another lady who wanted to slap me.“ (Well get in line ‘other’ lady because I was here first!).
I don’t know what I would have done if she had said “Yes, I am talking about you!“, because I am more of a scholar…and not a fighter, but I did what Fonzi (from Happy Days) would have done (I took my comb out, ran it through my greased up pompadour, stuck it back in my leather jacket and snapped my fingers…..all this in my own head… of course). I turned around without letting her even finish her sentence and paid for my purchases and left.
Now, it wouldn’t have taken much for her to have been friendly and helpful and now she is going to have all kinds of bad karma for her actions. I may have some bad karma coming my way for not being a bit more humble and meek….but today…THIS Monday….I am okay with that.
Which leads me to my current story about my almost ‘take down’ moment at our local Fresh and Easy supermarket. Today as I took my basket and started in the fresh produce isle and worked my way to the 50% off section I came across and employee that was marking down some items. I was polite and tried not to get in her way, but I made the mistake of actually wanting to shop.
Let me set the scene for you. As I was looking at a very nice wrapped sandwich for $1.50 with an expiration date of 7/19/10 …..the following ensued.
Me: “Excuse me. what’s the date today?’
Her: “I’m trying to mark some items down and I need to get this done. If you insist on getting in the way I am going to have to close this section off.“
Me: Getting slightly annoyed, but everyone has a right to have a bad day. “Sure, I just want to get these sun dried tomatoes and I am out of your way.”
Her: “I am going to be marking those down even more, if you let me get my work done.”
Me: “Do you mind checking these and marking them down so I can get out of your way?”
Her: Exasperated at me…”No, I haven’t gotten to those yet and if you don’t move I am going to close this section off.”
Me: Not feeling so nice anymore…but trying to keep a pure heart. “You need to calm down and stop stressing out. “..said as I walked away.
Her: “I am not stressing out.”
Me: “Yes, you are and you need to calm down…” (Walking away before I ‘mark her down’…and possibly get arrested. I can’t get arrested without my best friend….that is on her bucket list, not mine)
So, I finish my shopping and walked to the cash registers…where I see her in the middle of an employee huddle. When I walked by I hear her whisper to her employees “I wanted to slap that lady”…..OH NO YOU DIDN‘T!! Not today…..not THIS Monday Lady!!
I usually don’t like confrontations and I am very bad at telling people what they need to hear. Don’t get me wrong, I am brilliant when it comes to telling people off ½ hr later when I have thought of really good stuff I should have said, but when I am in the ‘moment’ I am so mad I start to tear up…..yeah, I know!!
But not today! Today I turned around and looked straight at her and asked her (in front of her staff…can you believe she was a supervisor? WTF!!) “Did you just say you wanted to slap me?“. I must have looked pissed because she changed her voice immediately to ‘super friendly’ and said “No, not you. I was talking about another lady who wanted to slap me.“ (Well get in line ‘other’ lady because I was here first!).
I don’t know what I would have done if she had said “Yes, I am talking about you!“, because I am more of a scholar…and not a fighter, but I did what Fonzi (from Happy Days) would have done (I took my comb out, ran it through my greased up pompadour, stuck it back in my leather jacket and snapped my fingers…..all this in my own head… of course). I turned around without letting her even finish her sentence and paid for my purchases and left.
Now, it wouldn’t have taken much for her to have been friendly and helpful and now she is going to have all kinds of bad karma for her actions. I may have some bad karma coming my way for not being a bit more humble and meek….but today…THIS Monday….I am okay with that.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I may not be Mexican enough!
The other day as my BFF and I were discussing life’s many intriguing issues (you know…asthma treatments, perfume, anti-aging lotion and my love life), she mentioned very casually (so casually in fact that I almost didn’t catch it) that I may not be Mexican enough (she actually called me ‘White Washed’)
WHAT? ME? NOT MEXICAN ENOUGH?
I, who knows the beginning versus of the Mexican National Anthem! I, who has actually read several books in Spanish! I, who buys a 2 pound bag of pinto beans from the beanery across from work once a month! That is preposterous!!
Can it be that she is saying all of this because I like Neil Diamond, have read every one of Jane Austen’s novels, and can’t eat spicy food to save my life?
The next day as we were emailing each other back and forth (I mean ‘working diligently because we are very busy and important!!) This is what we discussed:
Me: ‘”I still cannot believe you called me ‘white washed!!!”
Her: “I was being nice!!!!”
Me: “WHAT!!! Please ‘splain’ ……now I am interested to know what the Fudge you mean friend!!”
Her: “Yes, you are WHITE WASHED!!! Don’t fight it!!!!! You are! Okay, tell me 1 Mexican thing you do??”
Me: “I make ‘Frijoles de la Olla’ and eat them with tortillas (low fat, no lard tortillas…but tortilla non the less) HA! You see I am not White Washed!!”
Her: “That doesn’t count because it’s a soup……I want a REAL Mexican thing you do.”
Me: “Umm…. I am raising my niece the old fashioned Mexican way. I use ‘Fabuloso’ when I clean my bathroom. I sometimes make hot chocolate with ‘La Abuelita’. Does that count?”
Her: “LOL !!! you think you’re Mexican by using ‘Fabuloso’!!!!! LOL !!!! Me, I have 3 out of 6 radio stations set to Mexican stations. I always have salsa (fresh). I have a Virgin Mary and Jesus icons in my home. I watch Mexican novelas. I speak Spanish a lot!!!! I go to Santa Cruz market….regularly !!”
Pickled Pigs Feet!! ……She’s right about me! (and needless to say more Mexican than I thought).
However, regardless of this new found self awareness (that was plunged upon me) one thing remains the same and that is that I am very proud of my Mexican heritage. Our food, our history, our propensity for family life and our capacity to overcome sorrow with faith and live our daily challenges with a constant stream of music in our hearts (mariachi music I believe!).
I guess I am a bit white washed, but all you have to do is scratch the surface (just a bit) to see the beautiful brown of my people!
WHAT? ME? NOT MEXICAN ENOUGH?
I, who knows the beginning versus of the Mexican National Anthem! I, who has actually read several books in Spanish! I, who buys a 2 pound bag of pinto beans from the beanery across from work once a month! That is preposterous!!
Can it be that she is saying all of this because I like Neil Diamond, have read every one of Jane Austen’s novels, and can’t eat spicy food to save my life?
The next day as we were emailing each other back and forth (I mean ‘working diligently because we are very busy and important!!) This is what we discussed:
Me: ‘”I still cannot believe you called me ‘white washed!!!”
Her: “I was being nice!!!!”
Me: “WHAT!!! Please ‘splain’ ……now I am interested to know what the Fudge you mean friend!!”
Her: “Yes, you are WHITE WASHED!!! Don’t fight it!!!!! You are! Okay, tell me 1 Mexican thing you do??”
Me: “I make ‘Frijoles de la Olla’ and eat them with tortillas (low fat, no lard tortillas…but tortilla non the less) HA! You see I am not White Washed!!”
Her: “That doesn’t count because it’s a soup……I want a REAL Mexican thing you do.”
Me: “Umm…. I am raising my niece the old fashioned Mexican way. I use ‘Fabuloso’ when I clean my bathroom. I sometimes make hot chocolate with ‘La Abuelita’. Does that count?”
Her: “LOL !!! you think you’re Mexican by using ‘Fabuloso’!!!!! LOL !!!! Me, I have 3 out of 6 radio stations set to Mexican stations. I always have salsa (fresh). I have a Virgin Mary and Jesus icons in my home. I watch Mexican novelas. I speak Spanish a lot!!!! I go to Santa Cruz market….regularly !!”
Pickled Pigs Feet!! ……She’s right about me! (and needless to say more Mexican than I thought).
However, regardless of this new found self awareness (that was plunged upon me) one thing remains the same and that is that I am very proud of my Mexican heritage. Our food, our history, our propensity for family life and our capacity to overcome sorrow with faith and live our daily challenges with a constant stream of music in our hearts (mariachi music I believe!).
I guess I am a bit white washed, but all you have to do is scratch the surface (just a bit) to see the beautiful brown of my people!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
These are a few of my favorite things…
I think it is an inherent human trait to get attached to certain things in life that bring you a sense of comfort when things are not always ‘Sunny’ out in the big bad world. Here are some of mine.
‘The Sound of Music’ - I LUF THIS MOVIE! How can you not like the story of an almost nun who falls in love with a young dashing and widowed ex-military captain. The first time I saw It I was about 13 years old and, of course, I had an immediate crush on the oldest son Friedrich (who in the late 70’s went on to play Peter Parker in the TV Show Spiderman). Later as a young woman of 20, I loved the romance and the adventure, back then it was Maria and Captain Von Trapp! Now, as a grown woman, every time I see it I think of ways of charming Captain Von Trapp away from Maria (that sluty HO!…Get thee to the nunnery!) and making him fall madly in love with me. Yes baby! You can captain my ship anytime you want!! (I think I just made ’The Sound Of Music’ sound like a porn!)
Pens (and office supplies) - Whenever I get depressed about life or work or love….the first place I like to go to is Staples or Office Max. I love going down the isles and looking and picking out office supplies, especially pens. (Don’t judge me…you don’t know my life!) My love for pens is more of a ‘fetish’ and I am not sure why I like them so much. Freud would probably say the phallic symbolism of ‘pens’ means that I really want a (that which rhymes with ’enis’) in my hands instead. Well, when I get nervous I chew and bite the tips off my pens ……what do you say about THAT Freud?…..No, never mind I don‘t want to know!!
Starbucks - Nuff said!
600 Thread Count Sheets - Life is not worth living without the knowledge that at the end of a long and stressful day I get to slip between my 600 thread count sheets and feel the silky material smooth my day away. There are higher thread count sheets, but I can't afford them (and still be able to have multiple sets). However, I don't want to sound too snobbish but anything less than 300 thread count is just uncivilized! Unless you want to exfoliate your entire body...then I recommend 250 tc.
New Underwear - ‘Semper Ubi Sub Ubi’ (Always where under where). The first ‘dirty’ phrase my Latin teacher taught us. (3 years of Latin and all I got was this phrase and the ability to read the stained glass windows in Catholic Churches….Thanks High School Registration Staff!!!). I love the feel of brand new, freshly laundered pretty underwear and if it doesn’t go UP my ass…ALL the better. I have tried all kinds of knickers and in my research I have found that I am not a thong wearing type of girl (some things should not be made over certain sizes). At the insistence of one of my close friends I purchased a very cute pair and tried wearing them for a day. Since it was a busy day for me, I had forgotten that I had them on until I realized how nervous and anxious I had been the whole day. It wasn‘t so much my busy schedule as the thong up my rear. I threw them away as soon as I got home and surprisingly enough….began to relax.
Book Markers - I am an avid reader. I usually have 2 or 3 books started at once. So, I NEED a multitude of book markers to assist me with my ‘tracking‘. Most of my markers have some sort of inspirational sayings by Shakespeare, Gandhi, Maya Angelou etc… However, one of my favorites is one that my niece gave me that says: ‘Life is a BITCH, but if it was easy it would be a HO!”…..Too true!
So you see…not too scandalous (not unless you want to count the Captain Von Trapp fantasies), a little odd maybe, but when it comes down to it, if I have ever given you a pen, a move, a coffee cup or a book marker or invited you to sleep in my bed…you know I really, really like you.
‘The Sound of Music’ - I LUF THIS MOVIE! How can you not like the story of an almost nun who falls in love with a young dashing and widowed ex-military captain. The first time I saw It I was about 13 years old and, of course, I had an immediate crush on the oldest son Friedrich (who in the late 70’s went on to play Peter Parker in the TV Show Spiderman). Later as a young woman of 20, I loved the romance and the adventure, back then it was Maria and Captain Von Trapp! Now, as a grown woman, every time I see it I think of ways of charming Captain Von Trapp away from Maria (that sluty HO!…Get thee to the nunnery!) and making him fall madly in love with me. Yes baby! You can captain my ship anytime you want!! (I think I just made ’The Sound Of Music’ sound like a porn!)
Pens (and office supplies) - Whenever I get depressed about life or work or love….the first place I like to go to is Staples or Office Max. I love going down the isles and looking and picking out office supplies, especially pens. (Don’t judge me…you don’t know my life!) My love for pens is more of a ‘fetish’ and I am not sure why I like them so much. Freud would probably say the phallic symbolism of ‘pens’ means that I really want a (that which rhymes with ’enis’) in my hands instead. Well, when I get nervous I chew and bite the tips off my pens ……what do you say about THAT Freud?…..No, never mind I don‘t want to know!!
Starbucks - Nuff said!
600 Thread Count Sheets - Life is not worth living without the knowledge that at the end of a long and stressful day I get to slip between my 600 thread count sheets and feel the silky material smooth my day away. There are higher thread count sheets, but I can't afford them (and still be able to have multiple sets). However, I don't want to sound too snobbish but anything less than 300 thread count is just uncivilized! Unless you want to exfoliate your entire body...then I recommend 250 tc.
New Underwear - ‘Semper Ubi Sub Ubi’ (Always where under where). The first ‘dirty’ phrase my Latin teacher taught us. (3 years of Latin and all I got was this phrase and the ability to read the stained glass windows in Catholic Churches….Thanks High School Registration Staff!!!). I love the feel of brand new, freshly laundered pretty underwear and if it doesn’t go UP my ass…ALL the better. I have tried all kinds of knickers and in my research I have found that I am not a thong wearing type of girl (some things should not be made over certain sizes). At the insistence of one of my close friends I purchased a very cute pair and tried wearing them for a day. Since it was a busy day for me, I had forgotten that I had them on until I realized how nervous and anxious I had been the whole day. It wasn‘t so much my busy schedule as the thong up my rear. I threw them away as soon as I got home and surprisingly enough….began to relax.
Book Markers - I am an avid reader. I usually have 2 or 3 books started at once. So, I NEED a multitude of book markers to assist me with my ‘tracking‘. Most of my markers have some sort of inspirational sayings by Shakespeare, Gandhi, Maya Angelou etc… However, one of my favorites is one that my niece gave me that says: ‘Life is a BITCH, but if it was easy it would be a HO!”…..Too true!
So you see…not too scandalous (not unless you want to count the Captain Von Trapp fantasies), a little odd maybe, but when it comes down to it, if I have ever given you a pen, a move, a coffee cup or a book marker or invited you to sleep in my bed…you know I really, really like you.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I think I may be 'stuck-up'...but I am okay with that
Whenever my mom comes to visit she makes me feel guilty because I shop at Vons instead of Food For Less. She says I am just wasting my money when I could get the same food for much less. (Ah…hence the name!)
However, here is my story for NOT going to Food For Less….and it has to do with baby daddy’s, Mexican kids with mullets, lack of family planning, people who think that wearing pajamas and slippers in public is appropriate and mentally challenged workers. I not only get depressed but sometimes REALLY mad!
Here’s my story:
Before I purchased my condo I used to live in paradise. It was a tiny little condo in a very good neighborhood (almost Oprah’s neighbor….I am sure she would have come over to borrow a cup of sugar if I had stayed a little longer). It had a bird aviary, a swimming pool and a beautiful garden with little paths and water falls. It was beautiful and peaceful and I never heard any body bump their music in the middle of the night or dare to have a junked out car. I drank my Starbucks coffee amongst the ‘poodle puffer’ crowd (people who owned dogs with a better hair cut and style than mine). All this ‘well to-do-ness’ was fabulous. I once made a joke to a friend (I had not seen for a while) exclaiming that I lived amongst my ‘people’ in this part of town and then he asked if I was a maid…whatever!!
I started grocery shopping at Vons because it was the nearest grocery store to me, and so when I moved into a new city, 45 minutes north of paradise, I continued to shop at the same store - again because of proximity and familiarity.
When I go to Food For Less it never fails that I see women with ‘waaay’ to many kids (why I get bothered by this…I am not sure), men with hairy armpits and wife beaters getting too close to me in the isles, little Mexican boys with mullet haircuts or rat tails (obviously the parents have seen too many Kung-Fu movies and are trying to make the kid into a Manchu warrior….this is only a theory, I don‘t have any proof that this is true). I try not to notice, but they are always there!! I know this makes me sound stuck-up, but sometimes their life choices are really depressing to see.
But wait, there is more..
In my particular Food For Less, I not only get the afore mentioned views, but add in smelly looking girls (and sometimes men) wearing what I can only assume are their ‘good’ pajamas and slippers in public. REALLY! How lazy do you have to be to not (at the very least) slap on some sweat pants! WTF!! REALLY PEOPLE!!!
You see what I mean…..!
Then there is this really big girl/woman who works there. For some reason I just want to hug her and feed her. When she sweeps the floor around the store, she could give a rip if she runs anybody over or not. (That is actually one of the pluses about this store…too funny!). Once, I ran into her a couple of times durng my shopping spree and both times I had to scoot over because she was coming and NOT….and I mean NOT going to stop just because I was in her way. Well, the good side of this is that at least she has a job.
So, you see, I don’t mind paying a little extra because going grocery shopping should not leave me depressed or completely mad at humanity. If people would only come to be for advice before they screwed up their lives and did what I told them to do…..they (and I) would be so much happier.
Okay, I guess I do feel a little bad about being stuck-up….but only a little.
However, here is my story for NOT going to Food For Less….and it has to do with baby daddy’s, Mexican kids with mullets, lack of family planning, people who think that wearing pajamas and slippers in public is appropriate and mentally challenged workers. I not only get depressed but sometimes REALLY mad!
Here’s my story:
Before I purchased my condo I used to live in paradise. It was a tiny little condo in a very good neighborhood (almost Oprah’s neighbor….I am sure she would have come over to borrow a cup of sugar if I had stayed a little longer). It had a bird aviary, a swimming pool and a beautiful garden with little paths and water falls. It was beautiful and peaceful and I never heard any body bump their music in the middle of the night or dare to have a junked out car. I drank my Starbucks coffee amongst the ‘poodle puffer’ crowd (people who owned dogs with a better hair cut and style than mine). All this ‘well to-do-ness’ was fabulous. I once made a joke to a friend (I had not seen for a while) exclaiming that I lived amongst my ‘people’ in this part of town and then he asked if I was a maid…whatever!!
I started grocery shopping at Vons because it was the nearest grocery store to me, and so when I moved into a new city, 45 minutes north of paradise, I continued to shop at the same store - again because of proximity and familiarity.
When I go to Food For Less it never fails that I see women with ‘waaay’ to many kids (why I get bothered by this…I am not sure), men with hairy armpits and wife beaters getting too close to me in the isles, little Mexican boys with mullet haircuts or rat tails (obviously the parents have seen too many Kung-Fu movies and are trying to make the kid into a Manchu warrior….this is only a theory, I don‘t have any proof that this is true). I try not to notice, but they are always there!! I know this makes me sound stuck-up, but sometimes their life choices are really depressing to see.
But wait, there is more..
In my particular Food For Less, I not only get the afore mentioned views, but add in smelly looking girls (and sometimes men) wearing what I can only assume are their ‘good’ pajamas and slippers in public. REALLY! How lazy do you have to be to not (at the very least) slap on some sweat pants! WTF!! REALLY PEOPLE!!!
You see what I mean…..!
Then there is this really big girl/woman who works there. For some reason I just want to hug her and feed her. When she sweeps the floor around the store, she could give a rip if she runs anybody over or not. (That is actually one of the pluses about this store…too funny!). Once, I ran into her a couple of times durng my shopping spree and both times I had to scoot over because she was coming and NOT….and I mean NOT going to stop just because I was in her way. Well, the good side of this is that at least she has a job.
So, you see, I don’t mind paying a little extra because going grocery shopping should not leave me depressed or completely mad at humanity. If people would only come to be for advice before they screwed up their lives and did what I told them to do…..they (and I) would be so much happier.
Okay, I guess I do feel a little bad about being stuck-up….but only a little.
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