When I was 20 years old I was in a convent trying to be a nun…. in a third world country. Have I told you that story yet? I thought I had a calling (It turns out it was just a text….wink! wink!..Please don’t strike me down God, it was just a joke). However, I also thought I had a calling at age 5 to be a prostitute. WHAT?....It’s the oldest profession in the world and I am pretty sure it’s recession proof, plus they wear cool clothes and shoes. !! (The nuns...not so much)
Anywho - Convent life demands sacrifice at all times. We had to get up at 4:30 am every morning to take showers in cold water, then off to pray our morning prayers in a cold church. I cried everyday for a whole week in the shower (my ‘sisters’ would just look at me with pity, I’m pretty sure they thought I was a California 'sissy'). We prayed, we had breakfast, we worked, we prayed, we worked, we had lunch, we worked, we prayed, we had dinner and we ended our day in prayer. Did I mention we ‘prayed’?
It was a quiet life that I still miss. I was sad to leave because it was not meant for me. ( It was only a matter of time before they would have figured out that I was the one smuggling in the gum and giving it to the novitiates and teaching them how to sing ‘ I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston). Did I mention they had a vow of silence and they shouldn't have been talking ....let alone singing!!
The second day I was there, they handed me a ‘T’ shaped stick and two towels. They told me to embroider my name on the two towels and write my name on the stick. I didn’t know at the time, but I was getting my own mop. (You know some hard work was coming my way if I had my own mop). I did know how to embroider (but my embroidery looked like a kindergartner’s writing), I asked if I could just embroider an ‘X’ on my towels and call it a day. I told them I didn’t mind embroidering my name, but it was also my grandmother’s name and I am sure she didn’t want it dragged along a dirty floor…..they didn’t buy it and made me do it anyway. It took me a week to finish!
Part of the convent was dedicated to an all girl’s school. Some girls lived there, while others went home by bus. One of our jobs was to accompany the girls home. One day, some Federal Soldiers took over our bus to go and chase down another bus full of drug lords (or at least that's how I remember it). I was scared spitless, but trying to be brave because I still had 5 girls on the bus. I moved them to the back and sat in front – like a blue and white bull dog ready to defend. (However, I am pretty sure my white blouse, blue skirt and white knee high socks did not convey ‘Bad Ass Bi-atch’ to the machine gun carrying soldiers).
The girls that lived there thought I was a novelty. They would laugh at me when I would pronounce their names correctly in my English accent. How else would you pronounce ‘Jennifer’ and ‘Courtney’?? They would also make me teach them Michael Jackson songs and asked me how many movie stars I had met since they all knew I came from ‘California’.
The convent is divided in three groups. The postulates (Beginners – we wore calf length navy blue skirts, a white blouse and white knee high socks), the novitiates (they wore the blue veil and blue skirts down to the floor), then there were the professed nuns. They were the full ‘Habit’ (and YES – They do look like penguins when they walk). The novitiates are forbidden to speak to the postulates, but I was a bad influence. They would come to the kitchen window (when I had kitchen duties) and would ask me for gum because they knew I was the gum ‘dealer’.
Other random facts I remember about the convent:
1. They only gave us 2 rolls of toilet paper a month. I learned how to use the whole role…including the wrapper and the tube…that’s the only way I made it all month long. I also only went #2 when absolutely necessary…that saved paper
2. I loved teaching religious classes to a group of 5th graders at an impoverished school every Friday. These kids had to go out to the back of the school and make their own desks....I know!! I know!!
3. I would sit in the front pew up in the balcony so I can see the cute guy who came in with his family every week for Sunday mass. (That should have been my first clue that I was not meant to be a nun)
4. I adopted a pig and gave him my left over food. I named him Sebastian, until they told me it was a ‘her’.
5. I would volunteer to clean the areas of the convent I knew the maids were going to be at because they would alawys have the radio and I could listen to some music. (I thought I was being smooth about it until one day when my forming mother said "You can clean the dinning room since I know you like to listen to the radio."....not as smooth as I thought!)
6. I would sneak in books from the school library during our morning meditations and hide them inside my prayer book. (I know what you are thinking.....you're surprised I decided to leave instead of them throwing me out!!!)
7. Out of the three vows of Chastity, Poverty and Obedience….Obedience is the hardest to follow.
Besides all the cold water and hard work and nonstop prayer, I still miss it. I did not keep in touch with my sisters because it was not allowed. (Maybe they thought I had been a bad enough influence when I was there). However I think about them from time to time and sleep better knowing that they are praying for all of us sinners.
BTW - It seems you can get away with anything in a convent when you speak fluent English, have a drivers license and get a perfect score on tests at the Jesuit College of Theology. Who knew!!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Do you think God answers a prayer when there is a cuss word in it?
The stupid, ignorant, tooth missing, idiot, who lives next door to me is driving me NUTS!!
His parents have been great neighbors for the past 6 years but as soon as they are away from home their useless, piece of shit of a son turns on his obnoxious music like EVERYONE should have to hear it.
It turns out his parents had to go to Mexico because the father’s mother is very sick. They have been gone for almost 3 weeks and this stupid kid has made my life hell ever since. The first week I asked him to turn it down 3 times. However, the other day he had his thuggish looking friends over and he started taunting me in front of them. As a single woman living alone…… it was intimidating. I don’t know what he is capable of and I am not so much afraid of my material things as much as him doing something to my babies – who are left home all day when I am at work.
I pray to God every night for protection. I ask him to send me his most ‘bad ass’ angles (you know the one’s with the swords and the fire) to come and stand guard by my front and back doors. I ask him to please settle down that ‘piece of shit’ until his parents come home from Mexico. I ask God to make his groin hurt to such degree that he can’t get up and turn on his music. Now, I know that as a Christian I should be a little more tolerant, but as a single woman who does not like mafia umpa-umpa music thumping on my walls my only recourse is to pray for his demise!!
Now, along with prayer, I have occupied my time by spying on said neighbor. I also think of ways of ‘taking him down’…for example:
1. I wish I had one of those pressure point needle bracelets like that guy from ‘Kiss of the Dragon’ where I could just shoot some needles at him and stab him in certain pressure points and his blood would drain slowly from his nose. While I stand in front of him and smile at his friends.
2. Invite over my ‘Dark Ops’ friends from the military to come and water board him until he screams out and starts singing Arias, and 80’s music. (I would of course record all of this and put it on YouTube for his friends to see)
3. Sit out on my front porch……. or better yet in front of his front porch and ‘clean’ my many guns and hunting knives right in front of him and then throw a knife at his head and give him a flat top.
4. Drag his ass out naked and tie him up to the porch pillar and have him wait until his friends come over to have a party. (I would a pin a note to his chest addressed to his friends saying ‘You’re Next Mother Fuckers’.
5. Finally….I think of becoming a Ninja and sneaking into his room and waking his ass up with a punch to the face (although I think Ninja’s are a little more elegant with their torture….), then waiting for him to wake up again to give him another punch in the face…..etc…etc…etc.
I know this is very, VERY mean of me to say, but I don’t think I have every wanted an old lady in Mexico (who I don’t even know) to finish up and pass away already!! Isn’t that horrible?? That’s the kind of person this jobless Mother Trucker has made me become.
However, I take solace and what my mother told me several weeks ago. ‘La penitencia esta en el pecado’…translation ‘The penance is in the sin’. I don’t believe he has much to look forward to in life. He is about 20/21 years old and the most unmotivated human being I have ever seen. He has no job, he has no education and from what I can see he has no skills. I hate to say it, but his life seems to be worthless. When I think of him in that way, I actually feel sorry for him.
Now, I may not have the skills or acquaintances to pull anything from 1 thru 5, but if he even thinks of hurting my babies –there is no place on this God’s Earth he will be able to hide and then HE will be the one praying for those ‘Bad Ass’ angels to protect him from ME!!
Amen!!
His parents have been great neighbors for the past 6 years but as soon as they are away from home their useless, piece of shit of a son turns on his obnoxious music like EVERYONE should have to hear it.
It turns out his parents had to go to Mexico because the father’s mother is very sick. They have been gone for almost 3 weeks and this stupid kid has made my life hell ever since. The first week I asked him to turn it down 3 times. However, the other day he had his thuggish looking friends over and he started taunting me in front of them. As a single woman living alone…… it was intimidating. I don’t know what he is capable of and I am not so much afraid of my material things as much as him doing something to my babies – who are left home all day when I am at work.
I pray to God every night for protection. I ask him to send me his most ‘bad ass’ angles (you know the one’s with the swords and the fire) to come and stand guard by my front and back doors. I ask him to please settle down that ‘piece of shit’ until his parents come home from Mexico. I ask God to make his groin hurt to such degree that he can’t get up and turn on his music. Now, I know that as a Christian I should be a little more tolerant, but as a single woman who does not like mafia umpa-umpa music thumping on my walls my only recourse is to pray for his demise!!
Now, along with prayer, I have occupied my time by spying on said neighbor. I also think of ways of ‘taking him down’…for example:
1. I wish I had one of those pressure point needle bracelets like that guy from ‘Kiss of the Dragon’ where I could just shoot some needles at him and stab him in certain pressure points and his blood would drain slowly from his nose. While I stand in front of him and smile at his friends.
2. Invite over my ‘Dark Ops’ friends from the military to come and water board him until he screams out and starts singing Arias, and 80’s music. (I would of course record all of this and put it on YouTube for his friends to see)
3. Sit out on my front porch……. or better yet in front of his front porch and ‘clean’ my many guns and hunting knives right in front of him and then throw a knife at his head and give him a flat top.
4. Drag his ass out naked and tie him up to the porch pillar and have him wait until his friends come over to have a party. (I would a pin a note to his chest addressed to his friends saying ‘You’re Next Mother Fuckers’.
5. Finally….I think of becoming a Ninja and sneaking into his room and waking his ass up with a punch to the face (although I think Ninja’s are a little more elegant with their torture….), then waiting for him to wake up again to give him another punch in the face…..etc…etc…etc.
I know this is very, VERY mean of me to say, but I don’t think I have every wanted an old lady in Mexico (who I don’t even know) to finish up and pass away already!! Isn’t that horrible?? That’s the kind of person this jobless Mother Trucker has made me become.
However, I take solace and what my mother told me several weeks ago. ‘La penitencia esta en el pecado’…translation ‘The penance is in the sin’. I don’t believe he has much to look forward to in life. He is about 20/21 years old and the most unmotivated human being I have ever seen. He has no job, he has no education and from what I can see he has no skills. I hate to say it, but his life seems to be worthless. When I think of him in that way, I actually feel sorry for him.
Now, I may not have the skills or acquaintances to pull anything from 1 thru 5, but if he even thinks of hurting my babies –there is no place on this God’s Earth he will be able to hide and then HE will be the one praying for those ‘Bad Ass’ angels to protect him from ME!!
Amen!!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
To My Niece and Her Friends
This blog entry is for my niece and her friends. She informed me that many of you read my blog so I thought what better venue to share some of my wisdom with you. So, sit back, get comfortable because you are in for some great wisdom (well at least according to me…it’s great). I am going to share some things that I wish someone had told me at your age.
I hope you enjoy!
Get Your Head Out Of Your Ass!
1. You may think you know EVERYTHING….but you really DON’T…trust me.
2. When ever you lie to your parents…they know (we really do know..), sometimes we just want to see how creative you can get so we can go and share your dumbass stories with our friends at work.
3. When seeking advice about a problem…don’t be stupid and go to your friends for help, they are just as clueless as you are. Go to an adult you admire and trust. (and NO, I don’t mean your 19 year old friend who works at McDonalds and has a car!!)
4. Boys at your age (dare I say….) are even dumber than you are. Date them so you can develop your social skills, but don’t give them what they want…..you are too valuable to give yourselves to dumbasses!!
5. Life is bigger than High School. Take this time to learn as much as you can at school because knowledge really is POWER!
6. GO TO COLLEGE!!
7. If I ever see you doing drugs (or slowly walking across a street I am driving on), I will beat you like a rented donkey. I don’t care if you are not ‘legally’ mine to beat!
Fashion Advice
1. At some point try to develop some style. (Blue jeans and t-shirts aren’t style…especially if I can see your ass crack or worse yet….you give youself a saggy ass with them).
2. Try not to dress like everybody else….but don’t try too hard to dress like you are different (Goths….. I am talking to you! )(Also, if you are even thinking of stretching your earlobs with plastic disks……DON’T!)
3. Always wear good clean underwear!
Serious Advice
1. I know you don’t know who you are yet, but from what I have seen - you all have gifts to share with others. Use them!
2. Always remember how much you are worth….because some people will try to make you feel like you are less than you are…don’t let them.
3. Life can be hard if you are not prepared for it. Prepare yourselves now that you have a chance….
4. Pick good friends. The good ones will tell you when you are being a jack-ass, but still like you despite that fact.
5. When ever you try to ‘get away’ with something…the only person you are hurting is yourself.
6. Hard work DOES bring great rewards. If you want something….WORK FOR IT!
7. Try not to feel sorry for yourselves…..it just wastes your time and takes you nowhere.
8. If you are responsible with small things….you will be trusted with greater ones.
Well, I hope these words of wisdom help you at some point in your lives. I am pretty sure you will all be great women…and I hope I can one day say ‘I knew you when…’.
I hope you enjoy!
Get Your Head Out Of Your Ass!
1. You may think you know EVERYTHING….but you really DON’T…trust me.
2. When ever you lie to your parents…they know (we really do know..), sometimes we just want to see how creative you can get so we can go and share your dumbass stories with our friends at work.
3. When seeking advice about a problem…don’t be stupid and go to your friends for help, they are just as clueless as you are. Go to an adult you admire and trust. (and NO, I don’t mean your 19 year old friend who works at McDonalds and has a car!!)
4. Boys at your age (dare I say….) are even dumber than you are. Date them so you can develop your social skills, but don’t give them what they want…..you are too valuable to give yourselves to dumbasses!!
5. Life is bigger than High School. Take this time to learn as much as you can at school because knowledge really is POWER!
6. GO TO COLLEGE!!
7. If I ever see you doing drugs (or slowly walking across a street I am driving on), I will beat you like a rented donkey. I don’t care if you are not ‘legally’ mine to beat!
Fashion Advice
1. At some point try to develop some style. (Blue jeans and t-shirts aren’t style…especially if I can see your ass crack or worse yet….you give youself a saggy ass with them).
2. Try not to dress like everybody else….but don’t try too hard to dress like you are different (Goths….. I am talking to you! )(Also, if you are even thinking of stretching your earlobs with plastic disks……DON’T!)
3. Always wear good clean underwear!
Serious Advice
1. I know you don’t know who you are yet, but from what I have seen - you all have gifts to share with others. Use them!
2. Always remember how much you are worth….because some people will try to make you feel like you are less than you are…don’t let them.
3. Life can be hard if you are not prepared for it. Prepare yourselves now that you have a chance….
4. Pick good friends. The good ones will tell you when you are being a jack-ass, but still like you despite that fact.
5. When ever you try to ‘get away’ with something…the only person you are hurting is yourself.
6. Hard work DOES bring great rewards. If you want something….WORK FOR IT!
7. Try not to feel sorry for yourselves…..it just wastes your time and takes you nowhere.
8. If you are responsible with small things….you will be trusted with greater ones.
Well, I hope these words of wisdom help you at some point in your lives. I am pretty sure you will all be great women…and I hope I can one day say ‘I knew you when…’.
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