A little while ago I was preparing to give a training class to my fellow co-workers and was trying to think of cool ice-breakers. As I sat there thinkin’…my niece walks into my bedroom.
Conversation with my niece;
Me: What are 3 adjectives that describe me?
Her: Is this a test?
Me: No, I just want to know what 3 adjectives you would use for me.
Her: You’re not going to get mad?
Me: No, just tell me.
Her: You are smart….you are well maintained…
Me: What?....what do you mean ‘Well Maintained’?
Her: You dress nice and take showers…(me rolling my eyes)
Me: Okay and what’s the last one?
Her: Stuck Up….
Me: Whatever….can you please close the door, I’m working.
Conversation with a friend;
Me: Am I stuck up?
Her: Yes!
Me: (Stunned!) What? How am I stuck up, give me an example? Just because I don’t make friends like you at the local bar?
Her: You don’t have to make friends at a bar; you can make friends at places you like to go to like the library.
Me: Have you seen the ‘Creightons’ that hang out at the library?
Me (Realization dawning) Oh wait….I guess that would be a good example of me being stuck up.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
My Mom's Mexican Soap Opera Habit
Whenever I have to travel due to work, my mom always comes to my house to take care of my baby (and be the ‘warden’ to my niece). Since she’s the grandma my puppy (and my niece) get delicious homemade food, and I come home to a clean house and absolutely no dirty laundry (yay!)
The downside to such bliss are my mother’s Mexican novellas (a.k.a . soap operas) Mexican novellas only come in a few flavors. #1 Rich boy finds poor girl, rich boy cannot marry poor girl, poor girl turns out to be rich at the end and rich boy can now marry her. #2: Rich nice girl gets cheated on by fiancé, rich nice girl turns into rich mean girl, rich mean girl meets nice neighbor boy, nice neighbor boy has to do a little ‘Taming of the Shrew’, Rich mean girl turns nice and ends up with nice neighbor boy. #3: Combo of #1 & #2. They also all have ridiculously long names like ‘Juan Jaime Mondragon Curiel’, or ‘Luis Phelipe Montecinos Aguirre’. (The really funny part is that whenever my old fashioned first name shows up on a novella….it’s always the name of the maid…WTF!)
However, it never fails that every time my mom comes to visit, I end up hooked on one of these Satan’s spawned TV shows. Next thing you know I am no longer returning phone calls because….. the novella is on. I am no longer reading my latest book…because the novella is on. I am no longer worried that I don’t have any clean underwear for tomorrow because …YOU GOT IT…the novella is on. It’s like crack!
The good thing about these Mexican soap operas is that they end in about 2 or 3 months. However, as soon as my mom leaves, it usually takes me a few weeks to wean myself off of them. Don’t get me wrong, I still watch the ending, but I skip most of the middle….because the middle only has a lot of crying, back stabbing, and gratuitous sex scenes. I am not a prude (okay…maybe just a little), but I don’t really want to see anyone’s ass up in the air when I am trying to relax and have my dinner on the sofa …am I right?
After my mom went back home the last time she was here…my niece comes home from school and was telling me how she found grandma watching porn on TV….WHAT? She explained that she had gotten home late from school and as soon as she walked in she noticed two almost naked people on the screen ‘doing the nasty’ and grandma lying on the couch. My niece said she called out ‘Grandma!’…… and my mom did the only thing she could......she pretended she was asleep (she says always falls asleep on the couch watching novellas). ….Likely story mom!
Mexican novellas have always been a part of my upbringing. I remember when I was little hanging out underneath my mom’s ironing board while she ironed and listened to her soap operas on the radio. However, now that they are on TV, my mom and her little Missy ( Shitzu-Yorkie mix puppy) are dead to the world from 6 to 9 pm. My step dad tells her she is going to give Missy ‘Rigor Mortis’ from all the non-movement of her novella habit.
Good or bad, right or wrong, rigor mortis or not…my mom will continue to watch her shows because cheesy story lines, handsome men with long names, bad acting and naked asses seem to make my mom happy. If mom is happy….then we can ALL be happy!
The downside to such bliss are my mother’s Mexican novellas (a.k.a . soap operas) Mexican novellas only come in a few flavors. #1 Rich boy finds poor girl, rich boy cannot marry poor girl, poor girl turns out to be rich at the end and rich boy can now marry her. #2: Rich nice girl gets cheated on by fiancé, rich nice girl turns into rich mean girl, rich mean girl meets nice neighbor boy, nice neighbor boy has to do a little ‘Taming of the Shrew’, Rich mean girl turns nice and ends up with nice neighbor boy. #3: Combo of #1 & #2. They also all have ridiculously long names like ‘Juan Jaime Mondragon Curiel’, or ‘Luis Phelipe Montecinos Aguirre’. (The really funny part is that whenever my old fashioned first name shows up on a novella….it’s always the name of the maid…WTF!)
However, it never fails that every time my mom comes to visit, I end up hooked on one of these Satan’s spawned TV shows. Next thing you know I am no longer returning phone calls because….. the novella is on. I am no longer reading my latest book…because the novella is on. I am no longer worried that I don’t have any clean underwear for tomorrow because …YOU GOT IT…the novella is on. It’s like crack!
The good thing about these Mexican soap operas is that they end in about 2 or 3 months. However, as soon as my mom leaves, it usually takes me a few weeks to wean myself off of them. Don’t get me wrong, I still watch the ending, but I skip most of the middle….because the middle only has a lot of crying, back stabbing, and gratuitous sex scenes. I am not a prude (okay…maybe just a little), but I don’t really want to see anyone’s ass up in the air when I am trying to relax and have my dinner on the sofa …am I right?
After my mom went back home the last time she was here…my niece comes home from school and was telling me how she found grandma watching porn on TV….WHAT? She explained that she had gotten home late from school and as soon as she walked in she noticed two almost naked people on the screen ‘doing the nasty’ and grandma lying on the couch. My niece said she called out ‘Grandma!’…… and my mom did the only thing she could......she pretended she was asleep (she says always falls asleep on the couch watching novellas). ….Likely story mom!
Mexican novellas have always been a part of my upbringing. I remember when I was little hanging out underneath my mom’s ironing board while she ironed and listened to her soap operas on the radio. However, now that they are on TV, my mom and her little Missy ( Shitzu-Yorkie mix puppy) are dead to the world from 6 to 9 pm. My step dad tells her she is going to give Missy ‘Rigor Mortis’ from all the non-movement of her novella habit.
Good or bad, right or wrong, rigor mortis or not…my mom will continue to watch her shows because cheesy story lines, handsome men with long names, bad acting and naked asses seem to make my mom happy. If mom is happy….then we can ALL be happy!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Mi Casa Es Su Casa!
Owning my own home has been a dream come true for me. I am not sure what part of my body hurts most due to all the cleaning, painting, crying and swearing I have been doing these past couple of weeks. However,I am sitting here in my new bedroom with a big ol' smile on my face (wondering how the heck I am going to decorate a room the size of my old living room and dinning room put together).
I have to give a shout out to my family (not that I give them the link to this blog or anything), for being such great troopers and helping me more than their retired senior citizen bodies could take. Preparing and moving to a new home is not for sissies.
1. It took me 2 days to find the box where I packed my underwear....you don't want to know more than that.
2. I wanted to add a security screen to my front door, which took my step dad, my mom, my niece and I to figure out how to install. As my step dad was trying to screw in a screw and was doing it wrong my mother uttered these words: 'You are screwing it wrong. I know because I went to school to learn how to screw things!'. (Just so you know...English is not my mother's first language (and she actually did go to school to learn how to screw in parts when whe worked on an assembly line)...nuff said.
3. Did you know that high cealings are great....unless you have to paint them twice!!
4. My hips hurt...I wonder if I can buy some knew ones at Home Depot.
5. The guy who layed the tile was shocked to learn that I don't have nor do I want to have any children....he justified my decision by saying that my motherly insticts have not awoken yet.....I almost told him he could kiss my 'motherly instincts'...but I wanted him to do a good job on my tile...so I just smiled (but I was thinking 'fuck you'!)
6. I lost 5 pounds (I need to move 12 more time and I can be at my goal weight!)
7. My mother and my niece are fighting over who gets the next best bedroom ....they don't realize they are ALL my bedrooms!
8. My new neighbors are great! One of them gave me permission to call the cops on her daughter, the other is going to fertilize my lawn.....can't do better than that!
9. Paint does not come out of your hair as easily as you would think.
10. I suck at caulking!
Despite all the hard work, the pain and spending more money that I thought I would...it's all worth it. I love my new house! I might even invite people over to visit me.....(or not because they might get my new carpet dirty...)
I have to give a shout out to my family (not that I give them the link to this blog or anything), for being such great troopers and helping me more than their retired senior citizen bodies could take. Preparing and moving to a new home is not for sissies.
1. It took me 2 days to find the box where I packed my underwear....you don't want to know more than that.
2. I wanted to add a security screen to my front door, which took my step dad, my mom, my niece and I to figure out how to install. As my step dad was trying to screw in a screw and was doing it wrong my mother uttered these words: 'You are screwing it wrong. I know because I went to school to learn how to screw things!'. (Just so you know...English is not my mother's first language (and she actually did go to school to learn how to screw in parts when whe worked on an assembly line)...nuff said.
3. Did you know that high cealings are great....unless you have to paint them twice!!
4. My hips hurt...I wonder if I can buy some knew ones at Home Depot.
5. The guy who layed the tile was shocked to learn that I don't have nor do I want to have any children....he justified my decision by saying that my motherly insticts have not awoken yet.....I almost told him he could kiss my 'motherly instincts'...but I wanted him to do a good job on my tile...so I just smiled (but I was thinking 'fuck you'!)
6. I lost 5 pounds (I need to move 12 more time and I can be at my goal weight!)
7. My mother and my niece are fighting over who gets the next best bedroom ....they don't realize they are ALL my bedrooms!
8. My new neighbors are great! One of them gave me permission to call the cops on her daughter, the other is going to fertilize my lawn.....can't do better than that!
9. Paint does not come out of your hair as easily as you would think.
10. I suck at caulking!
Despite all the hard work, the pain and spending more money that I thought I would...it's all worth it. I love my new house! I might even invite people over to visit me.....(or not because they might get my new carpet dirty...)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
My Best Friend's modifications to my 'Boyfriend List'
Today I asked my BFF to help me find a boyfriend. Here is the list of requirements I sent her……the bold text is her MODIFICATIONS to my list.
My boyfriend should meet the following requirements:
Smart (Into books, the theater and discussion of current events)
(SHOULD ONLY HAVE TO REMEMBER HIS BANK PIN # & HIS WAY HOME)
Funny (He has to have a sense of humor and make me laugh)
(ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT YOUR JOKES)
Kind (He should be the kind of man who would give up his seat on the bus for an old lady – Although I don’t want him to ride the bus I want him to have his own car)
( KNOWS HOW TO RESPECT YOU AND ONLY YOU SINCE U HAVE TO LIVEWITH EACH OTHER)
Nerdy (He should know how to hook up my flat screen to my dvr to my dvd and fix my computer)
(SHOULD ONLY WORRY ABOUT HOOKING 1 SIMPLE CABLE TO YOUR PORT)
Moral Compass (He needs to know what is right and wrong and sticks to it)
(KNOWS HOW TO DEFEND HIMSELF FROM YOU WHEN YOU’RE PMSING!)
Financially Secure (Makes as much money as me or more and knows how to handle it)
(ABLE TO CARRY HIS OWN WEIGHT, IT’S OKAY IF YOU MAKE MORE THAN HIM IT’S MORE EXCITING YOU’RE HIS SUGAR MAMA!!)
Tall (5’11 and Higher)
(EYE LEVEL IS JUST FINE—FUCK THE HEELS)
Hair (Any kind or none at all)
(WHO’S LOOKING)
Clothes (Nice but down to earth…no granola, hippie crap)
(AS LONG AS HE WEARS IT)
Hands (big)
(NOT CRIPPLED IS HELPFUL BUT IT ALL SHOULD WORK)
Butt (Nice and round)
(WHO CARES ABOUT THE JUNK IN THE TRUNK)
Eyes (Expressive)
(2 HELPS)(HELPS MORE IF HE CAN LOOK AT YOU IN THE EYES & FOCUS)
Lips (Kissable)
(AS LONG AS HE HAS ONE AND DOESN’T DROOL)
Smell (Clean scents with a little spice and testosterone)
(JUST AS LONG AS HE TAKES SHOWERS AND WEARS DEODERANT VERY ACCEPTING TO THE WEATHER)
Voice (Deep and soothing)
(AS LONG AS HE TALKS CAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE)
Car (No sports cars)
(ANYTHING THE 2 OF YOU FIT IN)
Shoes (No dirty sneakers)
(AS LONG AS THEY R NOT MEXICAN GUARACHES WITH TIRE SOLES)
Flannel Shirts (Likes to wear them on weekends and they have to smell like Downey)
( R U SERIOUS!!! GET OVER IT)
By the way...this is why I am still single.
My boyfriend should meet the following requirements:
Smart (Into books, the theater and discussion of current events)
(SHOULD ONLY HAVE TO REMEMBER HIS BANK PIN # & HIS WAY HOME)
Funny (He has to have a sense of humor and make me laugh)
(ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT YOUR JOKES)
Kind (He should be the kind of man who would give up his seat on the bus for an old lady – Although I don’t want him to ride the bus I want him to have his own car)
( KNOWS HOW TO RESPECT YOU AND ONLY YOU SINCE U HAVE TO LIVEWITH EACH OTHER)
Nerdy (He should know how to hook up my flat screen to my dvr to my dvd and fix my computer)
(SHOULD ONLY WORRY ABOUT HOOKING 1 SIMPLE CABLE TO YOUR PORT)
Moral Compass (He needs to know what is right and wrong and sticks to it)
(KNOWS HOW TO DEFEND HIMSELF FROM YOU WHEN YOU’RE PMSING!)
Financially Secure (Makes as much money as me or more and knows how to handle it)
(ABLE TO CARRY HIS OWN WEIGHT, IT’S OKAY IF YOU MAKE MORE THAN HIM IT’S MORE EXCITING YOU’RE HIS SUGAR MAMA!!)
Tall (5’11 and Higher)
(EYE LEVEL IS JUST FINE—FUCK THE HEELS)
Hair (Any kind or none at all)
(WHO’S LOOKING)
Clothes (Nice but down to earth…no granola, hippie crap)
(AS LONG AS HE WEARS IT)
Hands (big)
(NOT CRIPPLED IS HELPFUL BUT IT ALL SHOULD WORK)
Butt (Nice and round)
(WHO CARES ABOUT THE JUNK IN THE TRUNK)
Eyes (Expressive)
(2 HELPS)(HELPS MORE IF HE CAN LOOK AT YOU IN THE EYES & FOCUS)
Lips (Kissable)
(AS LONG AS HE HAS ONE AND DOESN’T DROOL)
Smell (Clean scents with a little spice and testosterone)
(JUST AS LONG AS HE TAKES SHOWERS AND WEARS DEODERANT VERY ACCEPTING TO THE WEATHER)
Voice (Deep and soothing)
(AS LONG AS HE TALKS CAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE)
Car (No sports cars)
(ANYTHING THE 2 OF YOU FIT IN)
Shoes (No dirty sneakers)
(AS LONG AS THEY R NOT MEXICAN GUARACHES WITH TIRE SOLES)
Flannel Shirts (Likes to wear them on weekends and they have to smell like Downey)
( R U SERIOUS!!! GET OVER IT)
By the way...this is why I am still single.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Whatever Happens... I Must Not Cry.
“Whatever happens... I must not cry.” Puss in Boots from Shrek 2
On March 23 at 6 pm I had to do the hardest thing ever….I had to put my precious baby dog to sleep. She passed away in my arms. I was (and still am) devastated with grief.
I always boasted to my friend that I am not a crier (compared to me, she is a cry baby). Well on March 23rd the tears started and I could not stop them. The only person I didn’t feel stupid crying to was my mom. (It turns out I was not a crier because I had NOTHING to cry about….who knew!)
She cried with me for a couple of days, and then she told me to stop crying and try to get over it. This was our conversation a week after:
Me: Mom, do you want to come over and bring Missy with you for Daisy to play with?
Me: I only get one of those channels.
Mom: Then I can’t go until my novelas end.
Me: (WTF! ) Okay…I understand mom.(feeling sorry for myself)
Cut to Last Tuesday at 5:30 pm…when I was came home from work. I saw my mom’s car in my driveway.
Me: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mom: You are more important to me than my novelas.
(Ahh…that’s the nicest thing a Mexican mother addicted to novelas can say to you.)
Me: Thank you mom….
Mom: Now…I was thinking you can bring up the last episodes on your computer so I can watch them online.
Moral of the Story: Never under estimate the love and cunning of a Mexican mother.
On March 23 at 6 pm I had to do the hardest thing ever….I had to put my precious baby dog to sleep. She passed away in my arms. I was (and still am) devastated with grief.
I always boasted to my friend that I am not a crier (compared to me, she is a cry baby). Well on March 23rd the tears started and I could not stop them. The only person I didn’t feel stupid crying to was my mom. (It turns out I was not a crier because I had NOTHING to cry about….who knew!)
She cried with me for a couple of days, and then she told me to stop crying and try to get over it. This was our conversation a week after:
Me: Mom, do you want to come over and bring Missy with you for Daisy to play with?
- FYI: Missy (Mom’s Dog), Daisy (My Dog)
Me: I only get one of those channels.
Mom: Then I can’t go until my novelas end.
Me: (WTF! ) Okay…I understand mom.(feeling sorry for myself)
Cut to Last Tuesday at 5:30 pm…when I was came home from work. I saw my mom’s car in my driveway.
Me: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mom: You are more important to me than my novelas.
(Ahh…that’s the nicest thing a Mexican mother addicted to novelas can say to you.)
Me: Thank you mom….
Mom: Now…I was thinking you can bring up the last episodes on your computer so I can watch them online.
Moral of the Story: Never under estimate the love and cunning of a Mexican mother.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I am obviously not Japanese
This weekend I went to go see my parents. My stepdad underwent a very painful health procedure so I went to go see how he was doing and to help my mom out a bit. It is a 3 hour drive to their house which I usually spend listening to music from my IPOD, listening to books on CD or just enjoying contemplative mind meanderings.
Forty five minutes away from their house I decided to turn off the music and the book and just think about a story I saw on Good Morning America on the extraordinary way the Japanese people have been handling their nation’s disasters. Diane Sawyer was reporting from Japan on the admirable grace the Japanese people have shown in this time of uncertainty and loss.
The government announced rolling blackouts to avoid a total black out of the power system….but it turns out they didn’t have to. The people, on their own accord, started using energy only when absolutely necessary.
People in shelters not only kept their surroundings neat and clean, but organized their trash into orderly sections of recyclables.
They have had no looting, or fighting.... and people (even the children) are well behaved and organized when standing in lines for hours just to get the basic necessities.
As I was driving and thinking about all this, it made me realize I want to be that type of person. I want to show THAT kind of strength and serenity in the face of loss and grief. I was thinking of how much we can learn from the venerable way these people are facing the ambiguity of their future.
I CAN be like that ....I told myself. I CAN be that graceful and strong. I CAN show that type of steel in my character and kindness toward my fellow man in times of adversity……
Then this happened….
A huge fast moving truck coming towards me on the highway seemed to almost push my car off the road and could have possibly caused it to toppled it over with the wind gust it produced!
….and this is how I handled it.
‘YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIIT MOTHER TRUCKER! YOU FREAKING MORON WTF ARE YOU THINKING!’ (Screaming this to the truck driver and scaring my baby dogs!!)
Okay….maybe I CAN’T be as Japanese as I thought I could.
Forty five minutes away from their house I decided to turn off the music and the book and just think about a story I saw on Good Morning America on the extraordinary way the Japanese people have been handling their nation’s disasters. Diane Sawyer was reporting from Japan on the admirable grace the Japanese people have shown in this time of uncertainty and loss.
The government announced rolling blackouts to avoid a total black out of the power system….but it turns out they didn’t have to. The people, on their own accord, started using energy only when absolutely necessary.
People in shelters not only kept their surroundings neat and clean, but organized their trash into orderly sections of recyclables.
They have had no looting, or fighting.... and people (even the children) are well behaved and organized when standing in lines for hours just to get the basic necessities.
As I was driving and thinking about all this, it made me realize I want to be that type of person. I want to show THAT kind of strength and serenity in the face of loss and grief. I was thinking of how much we can learn from the venerable way these people are facing the ambiguity of their future.
I CAN be like that ....I told myself. I CAN be that graceful and strong. I CAN show that type of steel in my character and kindness toward my fellow man in times of adversity……
Then this happened….
A huge fast moving truck coming towards me on the highway seemed to almost push my car off the road and could have possibly caused it to toppled it over with the wind gust it produced!
….and this is how I handled it.
‘YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIIT MOTHER TRUCKER! YOU FREAKING MORON WTF ARE YOU THINKING!’ (Screaming this to the truck driver and scaring my baby dogs!!)
Okay….maybe I CAN’T be as Japanese as I thought I could.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Week I was Rejected by a Man …and a House
You read right…a was rejected by a man AND a house this past week. There’s never been a story of more woe than the one of me… a house….and my Romeo (a.k.a. A Literate Dumb Ass)
The man, I met online (kinda..). His brilliant first email consisted of only one word (3x): ‘Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps’….WTF! (Who did he think he was ..? Pablo Neruda!)
Needless to say I was not impressed….actually it just pissed me off because it was SO dumb! Thus it deserved a ‘smart ass’ email back from me….for which I did not expect a reply.
I was wrong….he replied. DAMN IT!
To make a long story short – I sent the profile to my BFF to review (as I always have her do). Unfortunatley she liked him…..she told me to be ‘nice’ (she says I can’t be a bitch right off…I need to catch a man first, marry him…then show him my bitchy side. She is SO wise!!). She told me that my challenge was to be SO NICE that he would give me his phone number.
I said NO! I will NEVER be ‘nice’ to a man just to get his number when I don’t even find him attractive or want to meet them!!!
He sent me his phone number….DAMN IT!!
Okay...you see I didn’t even have to be nice and he sent me his number. Booyaa! !
Several emails between me and my BFF ( where she told me I sucked!, and I told her she sucked!) and I was sending him a text (just to appease her so she would stop using reverse psychology on me).
He texted back….DAMN IT!!
Then something happened…he asked if I liked to read (my heart fluttered a bit). I told him I love to read. Then the most amazing thing happened….he told me that he loved to read and that his favorite book was ‘Rain of Gold’ by Victor Villasenor….OMG!! That’s my favorite book too!!! I love him!!!
Then, no more texts….WTF! (Wait!!..Wasn’t I supposed to be the one rejecting him??)
Okay…he’s busy, that’s why he hasn’t texted me. Okay…he’s really tired and really busy THAT’S why he hasn’t texted me. Okay he’s hurt and stuck under something heavy AND that’s why he hasn’t texted me.
WAIT! What the heck is wrong with me? He has an ex-wife, 2 kids under 18, I am not physically attracted to him, and he lives in an apartment instead of owning his own home (this is not a deal breaker , but I just wanted to throw it in). Oh…and he’s Mexican (My mother told me never to marry a Mexican ….she told me this after she divorced my Mexican father). Thank you God for taking him out of my path….I was temporarily blinded by the fact he liked to read….DAMN IT!!
Surprisingly enough I met the house online too.
I decided that it was time to buy myself a house. I am working with the nicest, sweetest real estate agent. She looks like a little Mexican doll. I know what you are thinking; I am going to drive her to drink. Probably, but I did warn her that I am bossy and opinionated and to top it all off …….patience is NOT one of my virtues.
The house in question is a beautiful cookie-cutter house in a newer development in town. I liked it and was willing to put in a bid. It took all of 12 hours for it to be rejected. We were told that the house was already priced low and they wanted the full asking price for it. BUT! BUT!
What the hell happened? I thought his was a buyer’s market? The NERVE!!! AS IF!!!
Fine! Even though the house was the nicest one I had seen to date, the backyard was right next to a busy main street and the rooms were too small, and the restrooms were too cheaply made. I was blinded by the fact it liked to read (Oh, wait that was the man…not the house). I was blinded by the fact that it is a ‘Spanish Mediterranean’…the equivalent to tall, dark and handsome.
My Real Estate agent told me that looking for a house was like looking for a husband. Well DARN! Since I haven’t had luck with one….She is going to have to change that analogy…or else we are doomed!
So – you see …rejected by a man and a house…neither of which I really wanted.
Lesson learned!
The man, I met online (kinda..). His brilliant first email consisted of only one word (3x): ‘Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps’….WTF! (Who did he think he was ..? Pablo Neruda!)
Needless to say I was not impressed….actually it just pissed me off because it was SO dumb! Thus it deserved a ‘smart ass’ email back from me….for which I did not expect a reply.
I was wrong….he replied. DAMN IT!
To make a long story short – I sent the profile to my BFF to review (as I always have her do). Unfortunatley she liked him…..she told me to be ‘nice’ (she says I can’t be a bitch right off…I need to catch a man first, marry him…then show him my bitchy side. She is SO wise!!). She told me that my challenge was to be SO NICE that he would give me his phone number.
I said NO! I will NEVER be ‘nice’ to a man just to get his number when I don’t even find him attractive or want to meet them!!!
He sent me his phone number….DAMN IT!!
Okay...you see I didn’t even have to be nice and he sent me his number. Booyaa! !
Several emails between me and my BFF ( where she told me I sucked!, and I told her she sucked!) and I was sending him a text (just to appease her so she would stop using reverse psychology on me).
He texted back….DAMN IT!!
Then something happened…he asked if I liked to read (my heart fluttered a bit). I told him I love to read. Then the most amazing thing happened….he told me that he loved to read and that his favorite book was ‘Rain of Gold’ by Victor Villasenor….OMG!! That’s my favorite book too!!! I love him!!!
Then, no more texts….WTF! (Wait!!..Wasn’t I supposed to be the one rejecting him??)
Okay…he’s busy, that’s why he hasn’t texted me. Okay…he’s really tired and really busy THAT’S why he hasn’t texted me. Okay he’s hurt and stuck under something heavy AND that’s why he hasn’t texted me.
WAIT! What the heck is wrong with me? He has an ex-wife, 2 kids under 18, I am not physically attracted to him, and he lives in an apartment instead of owning his own home (this is not a deal breaker , but I just wanted to throw it in). Oh…and he’s Mexican (My mother told me never to marry a Mexican ….she told me this after she divorced my Mexican father). Thank you God for taking him out of my path….I was temporarily blinded by the fact he liked to read….DAMN IT!!
Surprisingly enough I met the house online too.
I decided that it was time to buy myself a house. I am working with the nicest, sweetest real estate agent. She looks like a little Mexican doll. I know what you are thinking; I am going to drive her to drink. Probably, but I did warn her that I am bossy and opinionated and to top it all off …….patience is NOT one of my virtues.
The house in question is a beautiful cookie-cutter house in a newer development in town. I liked it and was willing to put in a bid. It took all of 12 hours for it to be rejected. We were told that the house was already priced low and they wanted the full asking price for it. BUT! BUT!
What the hell happened? I thought his was a buyer’s market? The NERVE!!! AS IF!!!
Fine! Even though the house was the nicest one I had seen to date, the backyard was right next to a busy main street and the rooms were too small, and the restrooms were too cheaply made. I was blinded by the fact it liked to read (Oh, wait that was the man…not the house). I was blinded by the fact that it is a ‘Spanish Mediterranean’…the equivalent to tall, dark and handsome.
My Real Estate agent told me that looking for a house was like looking for a husband. Well DARN! Since I haven’t had luck with one….She is going to have to change that analogy…or else we are doomed!
So – you see …rejected by a man and a house…neither of which I really wanted.
Lesson learned!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Get thee to the Nunnery!
When I was 20 years old I was in a convent trying to be a nun…. in a third world country. Have I told you that story yet? I thought I had a calling (It turns out it was just a text….wink! wink!..Please don’t strike me down God, it was just a joke). However, I also thought I had a calling at age 5 to be a prostitute. WHAT?....It’s the oldest profession in the world and I am pretty sure it’s recession proof, plus they wear cool clothes and shoes. !! (The nuns...not so much)
Anywho - Convent life demands sacrifice at all times. We had to get up at 4:30 am every morning to take showers in cold water, then off to pray our morning prayers in a cold church. I cried everyday for a whole week in the shower (my ‘sisters’ would just look at me with pity, I’m pretty sure they thought I was a California 'sissy'). We prayed, we had breakfast, we worked, we prayed, we worked, we had lunch, we worked, we prayed, we had dinner and we ended our day in prayer. Did I mention we ‘prayed’?
It was a quiet life that I still miss. I was sad to leave because it was not meant for me. ( It was only a matter of time before they would have figured out that I was the one smuggling in the gum and giving it to the novitiates and teaching them how to sing ‘ I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston). Did I mention they had a vow of silence and they shouldn't have been talking ....let alone singing!!
The second day I was there, they handed me a ‘T’ shaped stick and two towels. They told me to embroider my name on the two towels and write my name on the stick. I didn’t know at the time, but I was getting my own mop. (You know some hard work was coming my way if I had my own mop). I did know how to embroider (but my embroidery looked like a kindergartner’s writing), I asked if I could just embroider an ‘X’ on my towels and call it a day. I told them I didn’t mind embroidering my name, but it was also my grandmother’s name and I am sure she didn’t want it dragged along a dirty floor…..they didn’t buy it and made me do it anyway. It took me a week to finish!
Part of the convent was dedicated to an all girl’s school. Some girls lived there, while others went home by bus. One of our jobs was to accompany the girls home. One day, some Federal Soldiers took over our bus to go and chase down another bus full of drug lords (or at least that's how I remember it). I was scared spitless, but trying to be brave because I still had 5 girls on the bus. I moved them to the back and sat in front – like a blue and white bull dog ready to defend. (However, I am pretty sure my white blouse, blue skirt and white knee high socks did not convey ‘Bad Ass Bi-atch’ to the machine gun carrying soldiers).
The girls that lived there thought I was a novelty. They would laugh at me when I would pronounce their names correctly in my English accent. How else would you pronounce ‘Jennifer’ and ‘Courtney’?? They would also make me teach them Michael Jackson songs and asked me how many movie stars I had met since they all knew I came from ‘California’.
The convent is divided in three groups. The postulates (Beginners – we wore calf length navy blue skirts, a white blouse and white knee high socks), the novitiates (they wore the blue veil and blue skirts down to the floor), then there were the professed nuns. They were the full ‘Habit’ (and YES – They do look like penguins when they walk). The novitiates are forbidden to speak to the postulates, but I was a bad influence. They would come to the kitchen window (when I had kitchen duties) and would ask me for gum because they knew I was the gum ‘dealer’.
Other random facts I remember about the convent:
1. They only gave us 2 rolls of toilet paper a month. I learned how to use the whole role…including the wrapper and the tube…that’s the only way I made it all month long. I also only went #2 when absolutely necessary…that saved paper
2. I loved teaching religious classes to a group of 5th graders at an impoverished school every Friday. These kids had to go out to the back of the school and make their own desks....I know!! I know!!
3. I would sit in the front pew up in the balcony so I can see the cute guy who came in with his family every week for Sunday mass. (That should have been my first clue that I was not meant to be a nun)
4. I adopted a pig and gave him my left over food. I named him Sebastian, until they told me it was a ‘her’.
5. I would volunteer to clean the areas of the convent I knew the maids were going to be at because they would alawys have the radio and I could listen to some music. (I thought I was being smooth about it until one day when my forming mother said "You can clean the dinning room since I know you like to listen to the radio."....not as smooth as I thought!)
6. I would sneak in books from the school library during our morning meditations and hide them inside my prayer book. (I know what you are thinking.....you're surprised I decided to leave instead of them throwing me out!!!)
7. Out of the three vows of Chastity, Poverty and Obedience….Obedience is the hardest to follow.
Besides all the cold water and hard work and nonstop prayer, I still miss it. I did not keep in touch with my sisters because it was not allowed. (Maybe they thought I had been a bad enough influence when I was there). However I think about them from time to time and sleep better knowing that they are praying for all of us sinners.
BTW - It seems you can get away with anything in a convent when you speak fluent English, have a drivers license and get a perfect score on tests at the Jesuit College of Theology. Who knew!!
Anywho - Convent life demands sacrifice at all times. We had to get up at 4:30 am every morning to take showers in cold water, then off to pray our morning prayers in a cold church. I cried everyday for a whole week in the shower (my ‘sisters’ would just look at me with pity, I’m pretty sure they thought I was a California 'sissy'). We prayed, we had breakfast, we worked, we prayed, we worked, we had lunch, we worked, we prayed, we had dinner and we ended our day in prayer. Did I mention we ‘prayed’?
It was a quiet life that I still miss. I was sad to leave because it was not meant for me. ( It was only a matter of time before they would have figured out that I was the one smuggling in the gum and giving it to the novitiates and teaching them how to sing ‘ I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston). Did I mention they had a vow of silence and they shouldn't have been talking ....let alone singing!!
The second day I was there, they handed me a ‘T’ shaped stick and two towels. They told me to embroider my name on the two towels and write my name on the stick. I didn’t know at the time, but I was getting my own mop. (You know some hard work was coming my way if I had my own mop). I did know how to embroider (but my embroidery looked like a kindergartner’s writing), I asked if I could just embroider an ‘X’ on my towels and call it a day. I told them I didn’t mind embroidering my name, but it was also my grandmother’s name and I am sure she didn’t want it dragged along a dirty floor…..they didn’t buy it and made me do it anyway. It took me a week to finish!
Part of the convent was dedicated to an all girl’s school. Some girls lived there, while others went home by bus. One of our jobs was to accompany the girls home. One day, some Federal Soldiers took over our bus to go and chase down another bus full of drug lords (or at least that's how I remember it). I was scared spitless, but trying to be brave because I still had 5 girls on the bus. I moved them to the back and sat in front – like a blue and white bull dog ready to defend. (However, I am pretty sure my white blouse, blue skirt and white knee high socks did not convey ‘Bad Ass Bi-atch’ to the machine gun carrying soldiers).
The girls that lived there thought I was a novelty. They would laugh at me when I would pronounce their names correctly in my English accent. How else would you pronounce ‘Jennifer’ and ‘Courtney’?? They would also make me teach them Michael Jackson songs and asked me how many movie stars I had met since they all knew I came from ‘California’.
The convent is divided in three groups. The postulates (Beginners – we wore calf length navy blue skirts, a white blouse and white knee high socks), the novitiates (they wore the blue veil and blue skirts down to the floor), then there were the professed nuns. They were the full ‘Habit’ (and YES – They do look like penguins when they walk). The novitiates are forbidden to speak to the postulates, but I was a bad influence. They would come to the kitchen window (when I had kitchen duties) and would ask me for gum because they knew I was the gum ‘dealer’.
Other random facts I remember about the convent:
1. They only gave us 2 rolls of toilet paper a month. I learned how to use the whole role…including the wrapper and the tube…that’s the only way I made it all month long. I also only went #2 when absolutely necessary…that saved paper
2. I loved teaching religious classes to a group of 5th graders at an impoverished school every Friday. These kids had to go out to the back of the school and make their own desks....I know!! I know!!
3. I would sit in the front pew up in the balcony so I can see the cute guy who came in with his family every week for Sunday mass. (That should have been my first clue that I was not meant to be a nun)
4. I adopted a pig and gave him my left over food. I named him Sebastian, until they told me it was a ‘her’.
5. I would volunteer to clean the areas of the convent I knew the maids were going to be at because they would alawys have the radio and I could listen to some music. (I thought I was being smooth about it until one day when my forming mother said "You can clean the dinning room since I know you like to listen to the radio."....not as smooth as I thought!)
6. I would sneak in books from the school library during our morning meditations and hide them inside my prayer book. (I know what you are thinking.....you're surprised I decided to leave instead of them throwing me out!!!)
7. Out of the three vows of Chastity, Poverty and Obedience….Obedience is the hardest to follow.
Besides all the cold water and hard work and nonstop prayer, I still miss it. I did not keep in touch with my sisters because it was not allowed. (Maybe they thought I had been a bad enough influence when I was there). However I think about them from time to time and sleep better knowing that they are praying for all of us sinners.
BTW - It seems you can get away with anything in a convent when you speak fluent English, have a drivers license and get a perfect score on tests at the Jesuit College of Theology. Who knew!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Do you think God answers a prayer when there is a cuss word in it?
The stupid, ignorant, tooth missing, idiot, who lives next door to me is driving me NUTS!!
His parents have been great neighbors for the past 6 years but as soon as they are away from home their useless, piece of shit of a son turns on his obnoxious music like EVERYONE should have to hear it.
It turns out his parents had to go to Mexico because the father’s mother is very sick. They have been gone for almost 3 weeks and this stupid kid has made my life hell ever since. The first week I asked him to turn it down 3 times. However, the other day he had his thuggish looking friends over and he started taunting me in front of them. As a single woman living alone…… it was intimidating. I don’t know what he is capable of and I am not so much afraid of my material things as much as him doing something to my babies – who are left home all day when I am at work.
I pray to God every night for protection. I ask him to send me his most ‘bad ass’ angles (you know the one’s with the swords and the fire) to come and stand guard by my front and back doors. I ask him to please settle down that ‘piece of shit’ until his parents come home from Mexico. I ask God to make his groin hurt to such degree that he can’t get up and turn on his music. Now, I know that as a Christian I should be a little more tolerant, but as a single woman who does not like mafia umpa-umpa music thumping on my walls my only recourse is to pray for his demise!!
Now, along with prayer, I have occupied my time by spying on said neighbor. I also think of ways of ‘taking him down’…for example:
1. I wish I had one of those pressure point needle bracelets like that guy from ‘Kiss of the Dragon’ where I could just shoot some needles at him and stab him in certain pressure points and his blood would drain slowly from his nose. While I stand in front of him and smile at his friends.
2. Invite over my ‘Dark Ops’ friends from the military to come and water board him until he screams out and starts singing Arias, and 80’s music. (I would of course record all of this and put it on YouTube for his friends to see)
3. Sit out on my front porch……. or better yet in front of his front porch and ‘clean’ my many guns and hunting knives right in front of him and then throw a knife at his head and give him a flat top.
4. Drag his ass out naked and tie him up to the porch pillar and have him wait until his friends come over to have a party. (I would a pin a note to his chest addressed to his friends saying ‘You’re Next Mother Fuckers’.
5. Finally….I think of becoming a Ninja and sneaking into his room and waking his ass up with a punch to the face (although I think Ninja’s are a little more elegant with their torture….), then waiting for him to wake up again to give him another punch in the face…..etc…etc…etc.
I know this is very, VERY mean of me to say, but I don’t think I have every wanted an old lady in Mexico (who I don’t even know) to finish up and pass away already!! Isn’t that horrible?? That’s the kind of person this jobless Mother Trucker has made me become.
However, I take solace and what my mother told me several weeks ago. ‘La penitencia esta en el pecado’…translation ‘The penance is in the sin’. I don’t believe he has much to look forward to in life. He is about 20/21 years old and the most unmotivated human being I have ever seen. He has no job, he has no education and from what I can see he has no skills. I hate to say it, but his life seems to be worthless. When I think of him in that way, I actually feel sorry for him.
Now, I may not have the skills or acquaintances to pull anything from 1 thru 5, but if he even thinks of hurting my babies –there is no place on this God’s Earth he will be able to hide and then HE will be the one praying for those ‘Bad Ass’ angels to protect him from ME!!
Amen!!
His parents have been great neighbors for the past 6 years but as soon as they are away from home their useless, piece of shit of a son turns on his obnoxious music like EVERYONE should have to hear it.
It turns out his parents had to go to Mexico because the father’s mother is very sick. They have been gone for almost 3 weeks and this stupid kid has made my life hell ever since. The first week I asked him to turn it down 3 times. However, the other day he had his thuggish looking friends over and he started taunting me in front of them. As a single woman living alone…… it was intimidating. I don’t know what he is capable of and I am not so much afraid of my material things as much as him doing something to my babies – who are left home all day when I am at work.
I pray to God every night for protection. I ask him to send me his most ‘bad ass’ angles (you know the one’s with the swords and the fire) to come and stand guard by my front and back doors. I ask him to please settle down that ‘piece of shit’ until his parents come home from Mexico. I ask God to make his groin hurt to such degree that he can’t get up and turn on his music. Now, I know that as a Christian I should be a little more tolerant, but as a single woman who does not like mafia umpa-umpa music thumping on my walls my only recourse is to pray for his demise!!
Now, along with prayer, I have occupied my time by spying on said neighbor. I also think of ways of ‘taking him down’…for example:
1. I wish I had one of those pressure point needle bracelets like that guy from ‘Kiss of the Dragon’ where I could just shoot some needles at him and stab him in certain pressure points and his blood would drain slowly from his nose. While I stand in front of him and smile at his friends.
2. Invite over my ‘Dark Ops’ friends from the military to come and water board him until he screams out and starts singing Arias, and 80’s music. (I would of course record all of this and put it on YouTube for his friends to see)
3. Sit out on my front porch……. or better yet in front of his front porch and ‘clean’ my many guns and hunting knives right in front of him and then throw a knife at his head and give him a flat top.
4. Drag his ass out naked and tie him up to the porch pillar and have him wait until his friends come over to have a party. (I would a pin a note to his chest addressed to his friends saying ‘You’re Next Mother Fuckers’.
5. Finally….I think of becoming a Ninja and sneaking into his room and waking his ass up with a punch to the face (although I think Ninja’s are a little more elegant with their torture….), then waiting for him to wake up again to give him another punch in the face…..etc…etc…etc.
I know this is very, VERY mean of me to say, but I don’t think I have every wanted an old lady in Mexico (who I don’t even know) to finish up and pass away already!! Isn’t that horrible?? That’s the kind of person this jobless Mother Trucker has made me become.
However, I take solace and what my mother told me several weeks ago. ‘La penitencia esta en el pecado’…translation ‘The penance is in the sin’. I don’t believe he has much to look forward to in life. He is about 20/21 years old and the most unmotivated human being I have ever seen. He has no job, he has no education and from what I can see he has no skills. I hate to say it, but his life seems to be worthless. When I think of him in that way, I actually feel sorry for him.
Now, I may not have the skills or acquaintances to pull anything from 1 thru 5, but if he even thinks of hurting my babies –there is no place on this God’s Earth he will be able to hide and then HE will be the one praying for those ‘Bad Ass’ angels to protect him from ME!!
Amen!!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
To My Niece and Her Friends
This blog entry is for my niece and her friends. She informed me that many of you read my blog so I thought what better venue to share some of my wisdom with you. So, sit back, get comfortable because you are in for some great wisdom (well at least according to me…it’s great). I am going to share some things that I wish someone had told me at your age.
I hope you enjoy!
Get Your Head Out Of Your Ass!
1. You may think you know EVERYTHING….but you really DON’T…trust me.
2. When ever you lie to your parents…they know (we really do know..), sometimes we just want to see how creative you can get so we can go and share your dumbass stories with our friends at work.
3. When seeking advice about a problem…don’t be stupid and go to your friends for help, they are just as clueless as you are. Go to an adult you admire and trust. (and NO, I don’t mean your 19 year old friend who works at McDonalds and has a car!!)
4. Boys at your age (dare I say….) are even dumber than you are. Date them so you can develop your social skills, but don’t give them what they want…..you are too valuable to give yourselves to dumbasses!!
5. Life is bigger than High School. Take this time to learn as much as you can at school because knowledge really is POWER!
6. GO TO COLLEGE!!
7. If I ever see you doing drugs (or slowly walking across a street I am driving on), I will beat you like a rented donkey. I don’t care if you are not ‘legally’ mine to beat!
Fashion Advice
1. At some point try to develop some style. (Blue jeans and t-shirts aren’t style…especially if I can see your ass crack or worse yet….you give youself a saggy ass with them).
2. Try not to dress like everybody else….but don’t try too hard to dress like you are different (Goths….. I am talking to you! )(Also, if you are even thinking of stretching your earlobs with plastic disks……DON’T!)
3. Always wear good clean underwear!
Serious Advice
1. I know you don’t know who you are yet, but from what I have seen - you all have gifts to share with others. Use them!
2. Always remember how much you are worth….because some people will try to make you feel like you are less than you are…don’t let them.
3. Life can be hard if you are not prepared for it. Prepare yourselves now that you have a chance….
4. Pick good friends. The good ones will tell you when you are being a jack-ass, but still like you despite that fact.
5. When ever you try to ‘get away’ with something…the only person you are hurting is yourself.
6. Hard work DOES bring great rewards. If you want something….WORK FOR IT!
7. Try not to feel sorry for yourselves…..it just wastes your time and takes you nowhere.
8. If you are responsible with small things….you will be trusted with greater ones.
Well, I hope these words of wisdom help you at some point in your lives. I am pretty sure you will all be great women…and I hope I can one day say ‘I knew you when…’.
I hope you enjoy!
Get Your Head Out Of Your Ass!
1. You may think you know EVERYTHING….but you really DON’T…trust me.
2. When ever you lie to your parents…they know (we really do know..), sometimes we just want to see how creative you can get so we can go and share your dumbass stories with our friends at work.
3. When seeking advice about a problem…don’t be stupid and go to your friends for help, they are just as clueless as you are. Go to an adult you admire and trust. (and NO, I don’t mean your 19 year old friend who works at McDonalds and has a car!!)
4. Boys at your age (dare I say….) are even dumber than you are. Date them so you can develop your social skills, but don’t give them what they want…..you are too valuable to give yourselves to dumbasses!!
5. Life is bigger than High School. Take this time to learn as much as you can at school because knowledge really is POWER!
6. GO TO COLLEGE!!
7. If I ever see you doing drugs (or slowly walking across a street I am driving on), I will beat you like a rented donkey. I don’t care if you are not ‘legally’ mine to beat!
Fashion Advice
1. At some point try to develop some style. (Blue jeans and t-shirts aren’t style…especially if I can see your ass crack or worse yet….you give youself a saggy ass with them).
2. Try not to dress like everybody else….but don’t try too hard to dress like you are different (Goths….. I am talking to you! )(Also, if you are even thinking of stretching your earlobs with plastic disks……DON’T!)
3. Always wear good clean underwear!
Serious Advice
1. I know you don’t know who you are yet, but from what I have seen - you all have gifts to share with others. Use them!
2. Always remember how much you are worth….because some people will try to make you feel like you are less than you are…don’t let them.
3. Life can be hard if you are not prepared for it. Prepare yourselves now that you have a chance….
4. Pick good friends. The good ones will tell you when you are being a jack-ass, but still like you despite that fact.
5. When ever you try to ‘get away’ with something…the only person you are hurting is yourself.
6. Hard work DOES bring great rewards. If you want something….WORK FOR IT!
7. Try not to feel sorry for yourselves…..it just wastes your time and takes you nowhere.
8. If you are responsible with small things….you will be trusted with greater ones.
Well, I hope these words of wisdom help you at some point in your lives. I am pretty sure you will all be great women…and I hope I can one day say ‘I knew you when…’.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Goal!!!!
No, this has nothing to do with Soccer....
Goals: Update on 2010 and set up of 2011
Between Jan and March – Lose 10lbs
Turns out prayers and lighting of candles in church don’t work as well as eating less and exercising. Needless to say this did not go well, but I did manage to lose 13 lbs and keep it off all year (I haven’t weighed myself after the holidays….but let’s stay positive here!)
Try something new every quarter: Make earrings and try to finish my scarf
Okay – the scarf is still not finished ….but there is still hope in 2011. However, I did very well with the jewelry makin’. I earned over $350 just selling it to co-workers and friends. Yay!
Read a classic
Total failure….however, James Patterson rocks!!
Exercise twice a week for 4 weeks straight
Please read ‘lighting of candles and prayer’ route on goal #1
Make a new friend
I am so picky with the people I allow in my life that this one did not turn out as I planned, but I am keeping it as a 2011 goal. Do you have any friends you might want to recommend?
Write a short story and submit to a magazine
Chickened out on this one…..kluck! kluck!
Take a class at the local Community College
Wow! I just realized how much I suck at keeping my goals! The answer to this one is ‘No’ because I was too busy watching all the show’s I DVR’d (good excuse right?!).
Be a better listener
Finally! This one I actually did do. I mean, don’t get me wrong—I still interrupt when I shouldn’t and I still tell my niece to ‘Shut Up’ when I know she’s trying to bull shit me…but I have improved. Yay for me!!
Read my bible and journal once a week
I am ashamed to say I did not complete this one. However, I did take our pastors words to heart and tried to put them into action whenever possible. I guess this one is between me and the big boss in the heaven.
Do or say something nice to someone, once a day
Yes and No. I did do this one, not once a day because I realized I am NOT that nice, but when I did – it was genuine.
2011 Goals:
Complete the Goals from 2010
Goals: Update on 2010 and set up of 2011
Between Jan and March – Lose 10lbs
Turns out prayers and lighting of candles in church don’t work as well as eating less and exercising. Needless to say this did not go well, but I did manage to lose 13 lbs and keep it off all year (I haven’t weighed myself after the holidays….but let’s stay positive here!)
Try something new every quarter: Make earrings and try to finish my scarf
Okay – the scarf is still not finished ….but there is still hope in 2011. However, I did very well with the jewelry makin’. I earned over $350 just selling it to co-workers and friends. Yay!
Read a classic
Total failure….however, James Patterson rocks!!
Exercise twice a week for 4 weeks straight
Please read ‘lighting of candles and prayer’ route on goal #1
Make a new friend
I am so picky with the people I allow in my life that this one did not turn out as I planned, but I am keeping it as a 2011 goal. Do you have any friends you might want to recommend?
Write a short story and submit to a magazine
Chickened out on this one…..kluck! kluck!
Take a class at the local Community College
Wow! I just realized how much I suck at keeping my goals! The answer to this one is ‘No’ because I was too busy watching all the show’s I DVR’d (good excuse right?!).
Be a better listener
Finally! This one I actually did do. I mean, don’t get me wrong—I still interrupt when I shouldn’t and I still tell my niece to ‘Shut Up’ when I know she’s trying to bull shit me…but I have improved. Yay for me!!
Read my bible and journal once a week
I am ashamed to say I did not complete this one. However, I did take our pastors words to heart and tried to put them into action whenever possible. I guess this one is between me and the big boss in the heaven.
Do or say something nice to someone, once a day
Yes and No. I did do this one, not once a day because I realized I am NOT that nice, but when I did – it was genuine.
2011 Goals:
Complete the Goals from 2010
- Between Jan and March – Lose 10lbs
- Try something new every quarter
- Read a Classic
- Exercise twice a week for 4 weeks straight
- Make a new friend
- Write a short story and submit to a magazine
- Take a class at the local Community College
- Try to worry less and live my life more
- Be more organized
- Try to be less ‘fearful’ of life
- Watch less TV
- Organize a woman group
....now, let us pray
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