I was 'shanked' in the heart!

I want to take up my blog again, but I’ve been putting off writing the following story until today.  Hope you like it….it’s a love story.

Two years ago my heart was totally and completely shattered.  I wanted to start drinking, do drugs and have unprotected sex with George Clooney (I still kept some standards…not totally crazy).  You see, my blog started as a way for me to express the journey I was taking as a single aunt raising my niece and fighting off the hoards of love struck suitors (ok…the suitors part is not even close to true).  However, one day a couple of years ago my niece left college, packed up her things and left home.  I told her she was making a big mistake and that this was her home.  She indignantly refused to hear my reasoning and kept packing.
When she realized she had a lot of stuff she stiffly asked if she could leave some of her things in the garage.  With the loving manner and honesty I had always raised her with I told her: “No, if you want to leave take all your shit and give me the house key.” (What?  Too loving?)

What I really wanted to say was “You are a fucking idiot, but if you are leaving please take me the fuck with you because I know my heart will shrivel up and die if you leave.” (I seem to cuss like a drunken sailor when I am having a break down…who knew!)

What I did was give her some plastic bins and a suitcase.

My heart did shrivel, but it did not die. (Although it did eat a lot of donuts)

Fast forward to today and our relationship is on the way to mending.  She calls or texts me to let me know she is okay.  She has visited and stayed a couple of days.  She has become hard working and humble.  She asks me for nothing and expects nothing from me.  She is making it on her own and I am very proud of her.  Like all us humans, I’m sure she will fall some more in her life (I hope not!), but she seems to know how to get back up.  She has strength and tenacity.  Not all is told and not all is asked and for now that’s okay.  For now…..we are family.  I look forward to the day we are also friends.

Whatever comes our way in the future, I asked God to give us both strength to face the journey…..;-)

Stuff I Should Have Posted in December

If you didn’t text me your address…You didn’t get a Christmas Card from me this year.

I wish I was the kind of person that was incredibly organized to the point of actually having people’s addresses somewhere on my computer or little black book…..but I am not. If you didn’t answer my text in order to get your address…..you didn’t get a Christmas card from me this year. (….and did I save those addresses for next year?…..Nope!!)

However, I have been wondering what a yearly update to my friends and family would sound like …I guess in order to keep it light and positive….it would be a very short and boring letter. Something like this….

Dear Family and Friends:

This year has been a good one for me. I purchased my house, which has been a lifelong dream. I love what I do for a living and my niece is neither on drugs or pregnant (for this we are all thankful) . So, in the overall scheme of things….I’m truly blessed with a great life and I am thankful for every piece and bit of it.

Now, in my ‘I am no longer 39’ years on this Earth , I have learned several important things. One is that a family’s shiny exterior does not always represent the true struggles and imperfections that life brings.

Not that I want to point out the negative, but sometimes admitting our struggles can help someone else who might be struggling too. For example….this is what my yearly update would actually be if I was totally honest.

Dear Family and Friends:
I purchased my home this year…yay!! (I keep forgetting to pay the HOA dues though…my bad!).

I keep gaining and losing the same 10 pounds over and over again. Not to mention my clothes keep shrinking in the dryer.

I find more and more hair in my shower drain each morning because I forget to take my vitamins....and I am afraid I might be getting shorter.

I lost my precious baby dog this year. I held her in my arms as she passed away. My heart will never be the same again.

My niece told me she has 3 tattoos on her back and that she did not want to go back to her 2nd year of college….WTF!!

It turns out that neither in person nor online can I find a nice man to make an ‘honest woman’ out of me. Match.com keeps pairing me up with the 'physically fit' outdoorsy types....REALLY!! (Why can't I have the slightly overweight computer geeks!!)

I have a patch of hair on the top of my head that keeps growing in white….kind of like Cruella DeVille.

I noticed the skin under my eyes does not bounce back as quickly as it used to….and I don’t have any money saved up for a face lift yet.

My dream Italian vacation….still on hold.

Merry Christmas!

Aren’t you lucky I don’t have your address?

Smart, Well Maintained and Stuck Up....

A little while ago I was preparing to give a training class to my fellow co-workers and was trying to think of cool ice-breakers. As I sat there thinkin’…my niece walks into my bedroom.

Conversation with my niece;
Me: What are 3 adjectives that describe me?
Her: Is this a test?
Me: No, I just want to know what 3 adjectives you would use for me.
Her: You’re not going to get mad?
Me: No, just tell me.
Her: You are smart….you are well maintained…
Me: What?....what do you mean ‘Well Maintained’?
Her: You dress nice and take showers…(me rolling my eyes)
Me: Okay and what’s the last one?
Her: Stuck Up….
Me: Whatever….can you please close the door, I’m working.


Conversation with a friend;
Me: Am I stuck up?
Her: Yes!
Me: (Stunned!) What? How am I stuck up, give me an example? Just because I don’t make friends like you at the local bar?
Her: You don’t have to make friends at a bar; you can make friends at places you like to go to like the library.
Me: Have you seen the ‘Creightons’ that hang out at the library?
Me (Realization dawning) Oh wait….I guess that would be a good example of me being stuck up.

My Mom's Mexican Soap Opera Habit

Whenever I have to travel due to work, my mom always comes to my house to take care of my baby (and be the ‘warden’ to my niece). Since she’s the grandma my puppy (and my niece) get delicious homemade food, and I come home to a clean house and absolutely no dirty laundry (yay!)

The downside to such bliss are my mother’s Mexican novellas (a.k.a . soap operas) Mexican novellas only come in a few flavors. #1 Rich boy finds poor girl, rich boy cannot marry poor girl, poor girl turns out to be rich at the end and rich boy can now marry her. #2: Rich nice girl gets cheated on by fiancé, rich nice girl turns into rich mean girl, rich mean girl meets nice neighbor boy, nice neighbor boy has to do a little ‘Taming of the Shrew’, Rich mean girl turns nice and ends up with nice neighbor boy. #3: Combo of #1 & #2. They also all have ridiculously long names like ‘Juan Jaime Mondragon Curiel’, or ‘Luis Phelipe Montecinos Aguirre’. (The really funny part is that whenever my old fashioned first name shows up on a novella….it’s always the name of the maid…WTF!)


However, it never fails that every time my mom comes to visit, I end up hooked on one of these Satan’s spawned TV shows. Next thing you know I am no longer returning phone calls because….. the novella is on. I am no longer reading my latest book…because the novella is on. I am no longer worried that I don’t have any clean underwear for tomorrow because …YOU GOT IT…the novella is on. It’s like crack!


The good thing about these Mexican soap operas is that they end in about 2 or 3 months. However, as soon as my mom leaves, it usually takes me a few weeks to wean myself off of them. Don’t get me wrong, I still watch the ending, but I skip most of the middle….because the middle only has a lot of crying, back stabbing, and gratuitous sex scenes. I am not a prude (okay…maybe just a little), but I don’t really want to see anyone’s ass up in the air when I am trying to relax and have my dinner on the sofa …am I right?


After my mom went back home the last time she was here…my niece comes home from school and was telling me how she found grandma watching porn on TV….WHAT? She explained that she had gotten home late from school and as soon as she walked in she noticed two almost naked people on the screen ‘doing the nasty’ and grandma lying on the couch. My niece said she called out ‘Grandma!’…… and my mom did the only thing she could......she pretended she was asleep (she says always falls asleep on the couch watching novellas). ….Likely story mom!


Mexican novellas have always been a part of my upbringing. I remember when I was little hanging out underneath my mom’s ironing board while she ironed and listened to her soap operas on the radio. However, now that they are on TV, my mom and her little Missy ( Shitzu-Yorkie mix puppy) are dead to the world from 6 to 9 pm. My step dad tells her she is going to give Missy ‘Rigor Mortis’ from all the non-movement of her novella habit.


Good or bad, right or wrong, rigor mortis or not…my mom will continue to watch her shows because cheesy story lines, handsome men with long names, bad acting and naked asses seem to make my mom happy. If mom is happy….then we can ALL be happy!

Mi Casa Es Su Casa!

Owning my own home has been a dream come true for me.  I am not sure what part of my body hurts most due to all the cleaning, painting, crying and swearing I have been doing these past couple of weeks.  However,I am sitting here in my new bedroom with a big ol' smile on my face (wondering how the heck I am going to decorate a room the size of my old living room and dinning room put together). 

I have to give a shout out to my family (not that I give them the link to this blog or anything), for being such great troopers and helping me more than their retired senior citizen bodies could take.  Preparing and moving to a new home is not for sissies.

1.  It took me 2 days to find the box where I packed my underwear....you don't want to know more than that.

2.  I wanted to add a security screen to my front door, which took my step dad, my mom, my niece and I to figure out how to install.  As my step dad was trying to screw in a screw and was doing it wrong my mother uttered these words: 'You are screwing it wrong.  I know because I went to school to learn how to screw things!'.  (Just so you know...English is not my mother's first language (and she actually did go to school to learn how to screw in parts when whe worked on an assembly line)...nuff said.

3.  Did you know that high cealings are great....unless you have to paint them twice!! 

4.  My hips hurt...I wonder if I can buy some knew ones at Home Depot.

5.  The guy who layed the tile was shocked to learn that I don't have nor do I want to have any children....he justified my decision by saying that my motherly insticts have not awoken yet.....I almost told him he could kiss my 'motherly instincts'...but I wanted him to do a good job on my tile...so I just smiled (but I was thinking 'fuck you'!)

6.  I lost 5 pounds  (I need to move 12 more time and I can be at my goal weight!)

7.  My mother and my niece are fighting over who gets the next best bedroom ....they don't realize they are ALL my bedrooms!

8.  My new neighbors are great!  One of them gave me permission to call the cops on her daughter, the other is going to fertilize my lawn.....can't do better than that!

9.  Paint does not come out of your hair as easily as you would think.

10.  I suck at caulking!

Despite all the hard work, the pain and spending more money that I thought I would...it's all worth it.  I love my new house!  I might even invite people over to visit me.....(or not because they might get my new carpet dirty...)

My Best Friend's modifications to my 'Boyfriend List'

Today I asked my BFF to help me find a boyfriend. Here is the list of requirements I sent her……the bold text is her MODIFICATIONS to my list.

My boyfriend should meet the following requirements:

Smart (Into books, the theater and discussion of current events)
(SHOULD ONLY HAVE TO REMEMBER HIS BANK PIN # & HIS WAY HOME)

Funny (He has to have a sense of humor and make me laugh)
(ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT YOUR JOKES)

Kind (He should be the kind of man who would give up his seat on the bus for an old lady – Although I don’t want him to ride the bus I want him to have his own car)
( KNOWS HOW TO RESPECT YOU AND ONLY YOU SINCE U HAVE TO LIVEWITH EACH OTHER)

Nerdy (He should know how to hook up my flat screen to my dvr to my dvd and fix my computer)
(SHOULD ONLY WORRY ABOUT HOOKING 1 SIMPLE CABLE TO YOUR PORT)


Moral Compass (He needs to know what is right and wrong and sticks to it)
(KNOWS HOW TO DEFEND HIMSELF FROM YOU WHEN YOU’RE PMSING!)

Financially Secure (Makes as much money as me or more and knows how to handle it)
(ABLE TO CARRY HIS OWN WEIGHT, IT’S OKAY IF YOU MAKE MORE THAN HIM IT’S MORE EXCITING YOU’RE HIS SUGAR MAMA!!)


Tall (5’11 and Higher)
(EYE LEVEL IS JUST FINE—FUCK THE HEELS)

Hair (Any kind or none at all)
(WHO’S LOOKING)

Clothes (Nice but down to earth…no granola, hippie crap)
(AS LONG AS HE WEARS IT)

Hands (big)
(NOT CRIPPLED IS HELPFUL BUT IT ALL SHOULD WORK)


Butt (Nice and round)
(WHO CARES ABOUT THE JUNK IN THE TRUNK)

Eyes (Expressive)
(2 HELPS)(HELPS MORE IF HE CAN LOOK AT YOU IN THE EYES & FOCUS)


Lips (Kissable)
(AS LONG AS HE HAS ONE AND DOESN’T DROOL)

Smell (Clean scents with a little spice and testosterone)
(JUST AS LONG AS HE TAKES SHOWERS AND WEARS DEODERANT VERY ACCEPTING TO THE WEATHER)


Voice (Deep and soothing)
(AS LONG AS HE TALKS CAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE)

Car (No sports cars)
(ANYTHING THE 2 OF YOU FIT IN)


Shoes (No dirty sneakers)
(AS LONG AS THEY R NOT MEXICAN GUARACHES WITH TIRE SOLES)


Flannel Shirts (Likes to wear them on weekends and they have to smell like Downey)
( R U SERIOUS!!! GET OVER IT)

By the way...this is why I am still single.

Whatever Happens... I Must Not Cry.

“Whatever happens... I must not cry.” Puss in Boots from Shrek 2

On March 23 at 6 pm I had to do the hardest thing ever….I had to put my precious baby dog to sleep. She passed away in my arms. I was (and still am) devastated with grief.

I always boasted to my friend that I am not a crier (compared to me, she is a cry baby). Well on March 23rd the tears started and I could not stop them. The only person I didn’t feel stupid crying to was my mom. (It turns out I was not a crier because I had NOTHING to cry about….who knew!)

She cried with me for a couple of days, and then she told me to stop crying and try to get over it. This was our conversation a week after:

Me: Mom, do you want to come over and bring Missy with you for Daisy to play with?

• FYI: Missy (Mom’s Dog), Daisy (My Dog)

Mom: Do you get Univision and Telefutura so I can watch the ending of my novelas while I’m there?

Me: I only get one of those channels.

Mom: Then I can’t go until my novelas end.

Me: (WTF! ) Okay…I understand mom.(feeling sorry for myself)

Cut to Last Tuesday at 5:30 pm…when I was came home from work. I saw my mom’s car in my driveway.

Me: Mom, what are you doing here?

Mom: You are more important to me than my novelas.

(Ahh…that’s the nicest thing a Mexican mother addicted to novelas can say to you.)

Me: Thank you mom….

Mom: Now…I was thinking you can bring up the last episodes on your computer so I can watch them online.

Moral of the Story: Never under estimate the love and cunning of a Mexican mother.