Today I asked my BFF to help me find a boyfriend. Here is the list of requirements I sent her……the bold text is her MODIFICATIONS to my list.
My boyfriend should meet the following requirements:
Smart (Into books, the theater and discussion of current events)
(SHOULD ONLY HAVE TO REMEMBER HIS BANK PIN # & HIS WAY HOME)
Funny (He has to have a sense of humor and make me laugh)
(ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT YOUR JOKES)
Kind (He should be the kind of man who would give up his seat on the bus for an old lady – Although I don’t want him to ride the bus I want him to have his own car)
( KNOWS HOW TO RESPECT YOU AND ONLY YOU SINCE U HAVE TO LIVEWITH EACH OTHER)
Nerdy (He should know how to hook up my flat screen to my dvr to my dvd and fix my computer)
(SHOULD ONLY WORRY ABOUT HOOKING 1 SIMPLE CABLE TO YOUR PORT)
Moral Compass (He needs to know what is right and wrong and sticks to it)
(KNOWS HOW TO DEFEND HIMSELF FROM YOU WHEN YOU’RE PMSING!)
Financially Secure (Makes as much money as me or more and knows how to handle it)
(ABLE TO CARRY HIS OWN WEIGHT, IT’S OKAY IF YOU MAKE MORE THAN HIM IT’S MORE EXCITING YOU’RE HIS SUGAR MAMA!!)
Tall (5’11 and Higher)
(EYE LEVEL IS JUST FINE—FUCK THE HEELS)
Hair (Any kind or none at all)
(WHO’S LOOKING)
Clothes (Nice but down to earth…no granola, hippie crap)
(AS LONG AS HE WEARS IT)
Hands (big)
(NOT CRIPPLED IS HELPFUL BUT IT ALL SHOULD WORK)
Butt (Nice and round)
(WHO CARES ABOUT THE JUNK IN THE TRUNK)
Eyes (Expressive)
(2 HELPS)(HELPS MORE IF HE CAN LOOK AT YOU IN THE EYES & FOCUS)
Lips (Kissable)
(AS LONG AS HE HAS ONE AND DOESN’T DROOL)
Smell (Clean scents with a little spice and testosterone)
(JUST AS LONG AS HE TAKES SHOWERS AND WEARS DEODERANT VERY ACCEPTING TO THE WEATHER)
Voice (Deep and soothing)
(AS LONG AS HE TALKS CAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE)
Car (No sports cars)
(ANYTHING THE 2 OF YOU FIT IN)
Shoes (No dirty sneakers)
(AS LONG AS THEY R NOT MEXICAN GUARACHES WITH TIRE SOLES)
Flannel Shirts (Likes to wear them on weekends and they have to smell like Downey)
( R U SERIOUS!!! GET OVER IT)
By the way...this is why I am still single.
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