Get thee to the Nunnery!

When I was 20 years old I was in a convent trying to be a nun…. in a third world country. Have I told you that story yet? I thought I had a calling (It turns out it was just a text….wink! wink!..Please don’t strike me down God, it was just a joke). However, I also thought I had a calling at age 5 to be a prostitute. WHAT?....It’s the oldest profession in the world and I am pretty sure it’s recession proof, plus they wear cool clothes and shoes. !! (The nuns...not so much)

Anywho - Convent life demands sacrifice at all times. We had to get up at 4:30 am every morning to take showers in cold water, then off to pray our morning prayers in a cold church. I cried everyday for a whole week in the shower (my ‘sisters’ would just look at me with pity, I’m pretty sure they thought I was a California 'sissy'). We prayed, we had breakfast, we worked, we prayed, we worked, we had lunch, we worked, we prayed, we had dinner and we ended our day in prayer. Did I mention we ‘prayed’?

It was a quiet life that I still miss. I was sad to leave because it was not meant for me. ( It was only a matter of time before they would have figured out that I was the one smuggling in the gum and giving it to the novitiates and teaching them how to sing ‘ I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston).  Did I mention they had a vow of silence and they shouldn't have been talking ....let alone singing!!

The second day I was there, they handed me a ‘T’ shaped stick and two towels. They told me to embroider my name on the two towels and write my name on the stick. I didn’t know at the time, but I was getting my own mop. (You know some hard work was coming my way if I had my own mop). I did know how to embroider (but my embroidery looked like a kindergartner’s writing), I asked if I could just embroider an ‘X’ on my towels and call it a day. I told them I didn’t mind embroidering my name, but it was also my grandmother’s name and I am sure she didn’t want it dragged along a dirty floor…..they didn’t buy it and made me do it anyway. It took me a week to finish!

Part of the convent was dedicated to an all girl’s school. Some girls lived there, while others went home by bus. One of our jobs was to accompany the girls home. One day, some Federal Soldiers took over our bus to go and chase down another bus full of drug lords (or at least that's how I remember it). I was scared spitless, but trying to be brave because I still had 5 girls on the bus. I moved them to the back and sat in front – like a blue and white bull dog ready to defend. (However, I am pretty sure my white blouse, blue skirt and white knee high socks did not convey ‘Bad Ass Bi-atch’ to the machine gun carrying soldiers).

The girls that lived there thought I was a novelty. They would laugh at me when I would pronounce their names correctly in my English accent. How else would you pronounce ‘Jennifer’ and ‘Courtney’?? They would also make me teach them Michael Jackson songs and asked me how many movie stars I had met since they all knew I came from ‘California’.

The convent is divided in three groups. The postulates (Beginners – we wore calf length navy blue skirts, a white blouse and white knee high socks), the novitiates (they wore the blue veil and blue skirts down to the floor), then there were the professed nuns. They were the full ‘Habit’ (and YES – They do look like penguins when they walk). The novitiates are forbidden to speak to the postulates, but I was a bad influence. They would come to the kitchen window (when I had kitchen duties) and would ask me for gum because they knew I was the gum ‘dealer’.

Other random facts I remember about the convent:

1. They only gave us 2 rolls of toilet paper a month. I learned how to use the whole role…including the wrapper and the tube…that’s the only way I made it all month long. I also only went  #2 when absolutely necessary…that saved paper 

2. I loved teaching religious classes to a group of 5th graders at an impoverished school every Friday. These kids had to go out to the back of the school and make their own desks....I know!!  I know!!

3. I would sit in the front pew up in the balcony so I can see the cute guy who came in with his family every week for Sunday mass.  (That should have been my first clue that I was not meant to be a nun)

4. I adopted a pig and gave him my left over food. I named him Sebastian, until they told me it was a ‘her’.

5. I would volunteer to clean the areas of the convent I knew the maids were going to be at because they would alawys have the radio and I could listen to some music. (I thought I was being smooth about it until one day when my forming mother said "You can clean the dinning room since I know you like to listen to the radio."....not as smooth as I thought!)

6. I would sneak in books from the school library during our morning meditations and hide them inside my prayer book.  (I know what you are thinking.....you're surprised I decided to leave instead of them throwing me out!!!)

7. Out of the three vows of Chastity, Poverty and Obedience….Obedience is the hardest to follow.

Besides all the cold water and hard work and nonstop prayer, I still miss it. I did not keep in touch with my sisters because it was not allowed. (Maybe they thought I had been a bad enough influence when I was there). However I think about them from time to time and sleep better knowing that they are praying for all of us sinners. 

BTW - It seems you can get away with anything in a convent when you speak fluent English, have a drivers license and get a perfect score on tests at the Jesuit College of Theology.  Who knew!!